How to Party @ a Bachelor Party

In two days, I will be heading to Scottsdale, Arizona for a weekend of complete and utter debauchery with 6 other fine fellows to celebrate a good friends final days as a single man. With that being said, the other day I asked myself, "What's gonna make this bachelor party better than the other 15 bachelor parties I've been to in my life?" After a 1.5 second debate with myself, it hit me. A bachelor party should never try to be topped if you follow the "rules of partying for a bachelor party". Wait, what?! "There are "rules" J-Wunder?" Of course there are fuckers. And if you don't follow them, you could be looking at a long and boring ass weekend ahead.

Some of you so-called partiers are probably shaking your heads saying, "I'm a rockstar when it comes to partying. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, J!!!" Well friends, two things: 1) Go fuck yourself and 2) Yes I do. I may not be the guy that stays up for 72 hours straight while doing some of the most ungodly things a human can possibly do, but, I'm damn near close. Just because some of you talk a gang of shit, doesn't mean jack shit. So grab a pen and some paper and take notes on how you can be THAT guy (or gal) and enjoy the best bachelor/bachelorette party weekend of your life.

Rule #1: Be ready to drink. Sounds simple right. Wrong. I've been to my fair share of bachelor parties, and out of all of them, there were 2-3 of them where the so-called "partier" ended up being a goddamn, fucking pussy ass cunt. Why? Well, for starters, they thought watching the NFL draft after the first round was more important then hanging with the guys while drinking Scorpion Bowls til they turned blue. Secondly, they are just a fucking vagina. Do you want to be that vagina? The vagina that talks all this fucking shit, that when it comes time to lay down your cards you end up looking like a fucking bitch? Uh, no. That's what I thought. Bachelor parties are for those people who just say, "fuck it...lets drink...I'm ready to die this weekend." It's not for some fucking clown that wants to sip on tea and braid his goddamn taint hair because he's a fucking pussy. Bachelor Party = Drinking. Drinking = Drunk. Drunk = Acting a fool. Acting a fool = What the fuck just happened? FOR A WHOLE WEEKEND. You wanna watch tv and pretend you wear a tampon? Here's $150...now go fly your ass back home and watch tv. We're here to drink and get fucking drunk. Pussy.

Rule #2: Don't look a stripper in the eyes. Strip clubs are dangerous. For a few reasons...1) They are expensive and will burn a big ass hole in your pocket, 2) You will get a severe case of blue balls that tops your first make-out session with Cindy Bellflower behind the bleachers Freshman year in high school, 3) You will be told you are the hottest thing since that Edward clown in "Twilight" and actually believe it, 4) You will overpay for a Bud Light by $10 and 5) If you're drunk enough, don't expect to have any valuables in your possession the next day.

Five things that will happen and probably can't avoid. But if there is one thing you absolutely must follow...it's not looking a stripper in the eyes. Why? Simple. Dealing with strippers needs to be a business transaction. You give them $20, they put their titties in your face with a little tug and pull for a nice tip. You laugh, she laughs. She groans, you moan. Song ends and you leave smelling like coconut with some glitter smeared on your goddamn face. End of story. That's how it SHOULD be. HOWEVER, if you fucking dare go outside of this business deal and stare deep into those strippers eyes, be prepared for the following: 1) You will pay for sex, a blow job or a hand job (who wants a bj or hj with a condom on? awkward), 2) You will withdraw your entire savings account on treating yourself and the guys to big titty broads dancing on your lap because, all of the sudden, you fucking deserve it and you don't answer to any mother fucker, and 3) You will fall in love. Read that last part again..."You will fall in love." Don't believe me, go hit up a strip club and look those sexy bitches in their eyes. I guarantee you will walk out crying, broke and heartbroken.

Rule #3: Party like it's the last night on earth. Hard to imagine, right? Well, if you're a fucking pussy, maybe it is. So in order not to be that fucking pussy, what you need to do is make sure that everything you do...it's at 110%. Look, if you could bust your ass being top dog on your high school basketball team, you sure as hell can party like Godzilla is about to destroy the goddamn universe for 3 fucking days. Bachelor parties aren't meant for dudes with excuses. It's for guys with purpose. What that purpose is, is up to you. All I'm saying is that if you're drinking, drink as if you want to end up getting your stomach pumped by that hot ass EMT that picked your ass up on the curb in front of the Pussycat Lounge as you lied there in your own throw up. If drugs are more up your alley, hell, snort, smoke, or eat whatever the fuck you desire, but make sure you do it so your mug shot at the county jail looks something like this:

Rule #4: Don't sleep. You can sleep when you're fucking dead. It's a bachelor party so why not try to spend every waking moment stirring up shit with the guy that is about to become shackled for the rest of his life, right? If you go to bed before the sun comes up, don't fucking show up. God hates pussies. Especially ones that go to bed at bachelor parties. Tired? Snort some blow. If you don't want drugs, then stock up on a case of 5-hour Energy. That should get the blood going. Don't disappoint and be that dildo that is the only bitch that gets shut eye. If someone is going to suffer and be sleep deprived, it's gonna be the whole damn crew.

Rule #5: Don't be a bitch, and have FUN. How do you spell bachelor party? F-U-N. I hate Debbie Downers, Vagina McGinestein's and Winona Whiners (you like that one, huh), so don't fucking be one. The weekend isn't about you or whatever bullshit you want to bring to the table. All you need to worry about is spending money, getting drunk, slapping some boobies in your face and possibly getting arrested. How hard is it to have fun? For some, it's pretty fucking hard so do everyone a favor and don't be the dick that brings down the party. If you decide to do that, not only will you get your ass kicked, but we'll stir up rumors about how you had a threesome with a midget and her cat. Yeah, it may sound like a complete lie, but trust me, I'm a good fucking liar asshole.  

Bottom line - GO FOR BROKE!!!! Any questions?

In two days, 7 men will have every intention becoming the biggest pieces of shit known to any human being ever to walk this planet. Is this natural? Well, for a bachelor party, it is. Outside of that, consider yourself a pathetic piece of shit that should be sent straight to hell. Don't think you know how to party until you've lived by these rules. You may say to yourself, "But I already do this on a regular basis." If that's the case, I only have this to say...If you're under the age of 30, good for you...I wouldn't expect anything less. If you're over 30, go seek help. Or find a fucking job you degenerate fuck. In any event, have fun. Passive aggressive much?

Wish me luck. I might need it.