The Downfall of J-Wunder Following His Own Advice

Ok, so if you hadn’t heard, our fearless blog writer (and fellow contributor to some) went to a Bachelor party in Arizona this past weekend. For those who haven’t heard, you’ve clearly been living under a mother fucking rock for the last 2 weeks…because that is all we have been fucking hearing about. Bachelor party this, drinking an obscene amount that… blah, blah, blah.

Well, if you didn't hear from Mr. Wunder himself over this trip, consider yourself really fucking lucky. I shit you not, this dude was a fucking shit-show off of like 5 O’Douls. I’ve never met a person who complains about dying more than this guy. He either knows how to party like a fucking rock star (mind you, I’ve partied with him) or the guy is a fucking pussy. My opinion – it’s definitely the latter.

Don’t agree with me? Fuck you. But more importantly, for all of you who aren’t looking to FAIL at the next Bachelor/Bachelorette party, please follow the 3 rules that my dear friend J decided not to follow.

Rule #1: Choose your booze wisely. There is scientific evidence that shows depending on the type of booze you’re drinking, the type of “drunk” you are. You know what I’m talking about… happy drunk, blackout drunk, angry drunk, etc. Well J did not choose wisely. Last I hear, he was drinking Corona Light. Chick’s beer? Yeah, I should know… I do advertising for the goddamn brand. No wonder you were able to drink 27 goddamn beers in a matter of 10 hours. You were drinking the closest possible thing to water. Douche doesn’t even begin to explain the level of gay you were, J. Yet SOMEHOW you still fucking blacked out. I pray to God that you were taking shots of something, or else, I'm never drinking with you again.

Rule #2: Choose your strip clubs wisely. When you see an ad for a $5 strip club, what the fuck do you expect to see? Perky breasts? Probably not. Cleanly waxed vag? Very unlikely. I hate to say it but there are just some things that you don’t want to skimp on. I’ll say it again, there are some things that are better off paying full price for. Pussy, being one of them. When you see some crusty-ass bitch spraying Windex on the pole after a bitch does her dance -- it is probably not a good sign. It is definitely not even remotely sanitary, and my advice.....you should stay at least 100 yards away. Just sayin’.

Rule #3: What happens in _________ , stay’s on J-Wunder’s Facebook page. That’s right folks – you think your bachelor party will stay just between your closest buddies? Well maybe the crazy shit – but when a blacked-out individual posts his phone number on Facebook, saying “ask me anything” – probably a bad fucking sign. Now, I’m not saying that J has a big mouth or anything, but I swear there was a fucking post every 4.5 minutes about the shenanigans at the party. But seriously, sometimes the rest of us don’t give a flying fuck that you’ve slept for 25 minutes, while in a hot tub, gripping your fucking Corona Light. I mean, while the staying up drinking thing is cool, the rest of it makes you sound like a pussy. Sorry, said it.

And if you think anything is secret at a Bachelor Party, check out this video I stumbled upon…. It’s of our dear friend J, making an ass of himself (what else is new?) back in 2004. See, the great thing about this guy is that he always has some story of when he did this or did that. And by the YouTube God's that be, he definitely was doing this - BEING A DANCING MACHINE. My apologies in advance Mr. Wunder if I might have embarrassed you for showing this vid (took fucking forever to find) from your good 'ol partying days in Mexico (you thought I forgot about this story you told when we first met huh, asshole? ooops). I do have to say you look 19 years old and actually cute. What happened fucker? To your credit though, anyone that can do the worm, running man and milkshake while commanding the stage like you did, is alright in my book.



I hope you all follow the rules of what NOT to do for your next bachelor/bachelorette party. However, if you're like J and just don't give a fuck, then by all means, party like you're about to die, tell all your friends about it...and enjoy those bitch ass Corona Lights. I wonder how long it will take J to respond? I say 5 hours from reading this post. You're welcome.

P.S. This fucker might kill me. Love ya, J! Asshole.