Your List of Friends - PART 1

The Wingman
The wingman's goal in life is to make sure you get lucky whenever fucking possible. He's there to brag about your prowess, back up your laughable bullshit lies, and cockblock the competition. He's the guy that would kill for you and catch the clap if he had to (fucked up, I know).

Why he's an asset: Easily one of your most selfless friends, the wingman is always willing to take one for the team (translation - jump on countless ugly bitches). When absolutely necessary, he'll even slow dance with your hookups Sasquatch-like friend, just so you can have some alone time banging the slut in the corner. The wingman is the ultimate side-kick when it comes to getting some ass. Shake 'n Bake times 1,000. Yeah....bitches!!!!


The Lovable Loser
This is the friend that is "grandfathered in", unfortunately. He's 39 years old, never finished college and he lives with his goddamn parents. Ask me if he's fucked somebody in the last month? Negative. To make matters worse, he works on commission as a furniture salesman (which is in the middle of fucking nowhere and is going out of business). Sure, he might not have much going for him, but he's never too busy to return your calls. Which makes you wonder if he might be gay and wants to tickle your sack a little. He's like the 40-year old virgin, but fucking worse.

Why he's an asset: No matter how bad you have it, he'll always have it worse. If you get a chill, he'll get pneumonia. If you get a cold, he'll come down with the fucking bird flu. If you get a beautiful girlfriend...well, the point is he's always available to hold the video camera. Who wouldn't want a friend like that?


The Drinking Buddy
A master at beer pong, the first to play all his fucking music on the goddamn jukebox...and any other game during which beer is consumed, your drinking buddy is your right-hand man when it comes to downing ridiculous amounts of alcohol. He'll egg you on when you need it, and call you a fucking "pussy" when he must...all while drinking the country of Ireland under the goddamn table. Chances are you've been going out to bars with him for nearly half your life and you still only know him by his nickname. Matter of fact, his parents only know him by his nickname. Strange? Not really.

Why he's an asset: Not only does he have your back in the event of a rowdy bar fight, he's also willing to buy rounds in order to get the party started. Let's be honest: He might not be much of a designated driver and his financial advice is misguided at best, but no one's better when it comes to anchoring your boat race. Just make sure if you're looking to find out what happened after a night of drinking, he's probably not the guy to ask.


The DTF Friend
No one gets more ass then the "Down to Fuck" friend. It doesn't matter if the person is smokin' hot, ugly as sin, fat as "Precious" or has no limbs...the DTF friend has one goal in mind daily - fuck more people than Wilt Chamberlain has, if he was still alive. That's a lot of fucking people.

Why he's an asset: Wanna get laid? The DTF friend can grant you that wish. Just know that beggers can't be choosers and if you end up getting a fat bitch with hairy armpits, that's not his problem. Remember, if he's "Down to Fuck" anything, you're gonna get "anything". Just make sure you wear 2 condoms...I mean, if your friends fucking them, who knows if you'll be burning down your apartment when you hit the pisser the next morning.


The Poor Guy
He has a job, lives at home with his parents, and the only bill he has - cell phone. You would think he was rich and is down to do whatever, right? Wrong. Out of all your friends, this mother fucker is ALWAYS broke. Well, at least that's what he says. Go out to a bar...BROKE. Dinner...BROKE. Guys trip...BROKE. It's like you and your buddies have adopted a child and are supporting him. No joke. Sure he gets bitches and is cool as hell, but come the fuck on??? Who brings a wallet out, with nothing in it except a Driver's License? Oh, that's right...this guy.

Why he's an asset: If you want to wake up the next day from a night out with the boys and wonder why your tab was $500 when you know you only bought a few Bud Lights...he's the answer. Remember when you saw "The Poor Guy" at the bar buying all those drinks for all those people you didn't recognize? Yeah, guess who was buying? Bingo...YOU WERE ASSHOLE! Note to self: MAKE SURE THE POOR GUY DOESN'T KNOW YOU HAVE A TAB OPEN. YOU WILL BE POOR BY THE VERY NEXT DAY.