Beer Goggle Blackout

Sunday morning I got a text that read:

Buddy: "Bro, why did I wake up naked, next to another naked dude?! I went home with a chick last night. Oh shit...did I? FML. Don't tell anyone."

JW: "You serious?! So you fucked a dude? Or he fucked you?"

Buddy: "How the hell would I know? I took off with some hot bitch last night at the bar."

JW: "Obviously not if you woke up naked next to another naked dude. What the fuck did you drink last night? Are you still fucking there? I knew you were gay bro. #notjoking"

Buddy: "Fuck you asshole. Not fucking funny. I left about 15 minutes ago and need to call that chick. Maybe we had a threesome. Fuck, I can't remember shit. You don't think I...do you?"

JW: "I have no clue. Sucks to be you bro. I don't know where you find these so-called "chicks". It's cool if you're fucking gay. I have friends that are gay...you know that. Just don't try to fuck me playa. LOL."

Buddy: "You're no fucking help. I need to call this chick. Don't say shit man. And I'm not fucking gay. My butthole doesn't hurt so I know no funny business went on. Hit you up later. FML times 10 dawg."

JW: "Your asshole may not hurt but how do you know if you didn't stick YOUR dick in his ASS?! Just sayin'. For all you know, this chick probably got you two dudes to 69 eachother!!! LMAO!!!! Kidding bro but hope this is true. Holla."


Getting a text like this, a few things went through my mind in rapid succession:

1) Are you shitting me mother fucker? For fuck's sake, I haven't even had breakfast yet, and you greet me with, "Bro, why did I wake up naked, next to another naked dude?!" Get the fuck outta here!!!

2) Why are you telling me this? This is the type of shit you don't tell your boys. Matter of fact, you don't say shit to ANYONE!!! Not even God (and that mother fucker hears everything).

3) You drank tequila, huh? I knew it. Goddamnit bro! You always act like a weirdo when you drink that shit.

4) At what point of your intoxication did you meet this "chick"? If it was around last call, 93% chance that wasn't a chick.

5) I hope you're planning on seeing a doctor. You might have AIDS.


I'm not gonna lie...I'm speechless. Ball Buster hit me up with a text this morning that just read, "OMFG! You need to get to the bottom of this (pun intended)". Thanks, snatch. What you folks have just experienced is something beyond drunk. It's beyond beer goggles. It's beyond being roofied. This my friends is called BEER GOGGLE BLACKOUT. It's worse than anything you could ever imagine.

If you want to know what it is exactly, read the texts my buddy sent me, again (shit, 10 times if you'd like). Basically, it's when you think one thing happened when really, none of that shit happened. AT ALL. Ever have a dream that felt so real, you thought it really happened....only to wake up and say to yourself, "WTF?! Where am I? What's going on?!" That's what BEER GOGGLE BLACKOUT is. Being in a "dream" that is pure and utter disappointment. In my buddies case...that "hot chick" was a naked dude. Lying in the same fucking bed he was in. Probably with a condom sticking out of his anus. But hey, I'm not one to judge. I just state possible scenarios and facts.

Don't let this be you folks. It's fucked up. And there is no one you can blame but yourself. If you're all wondering if my buddy ever texted back an update to Saturday night...he didn't. Why? Probably because he realized that "hot chick" was a fucking tranny. Poor guy. Dude is good looking too. That's what happens when you go out with friends that let you make your own, horrible, piss poor decisions. That shit is funny! Hahahahahaha!