Advice Column: Bitches be hatin'

Dear J-Wunder,

I just wanted to vent a little about my job. I work in an office with over 300 people in it, and everyone is split up into teams of 8. On my team it's all women!! Only 3 are cool (myself being one of the three). the other 5 range from 22 to 37ish. All have kids and are in a relationship or married.

(Don't ask me how) but none of them are good looking but think they are the shit! They are always talking shit on other people's flaws. I guess to make their pathetic lives better. None have gotten out of the high school phase of life. If I wasn't in fear of losing my job, I would tell them to stop talking about everyone else and to just look in the mirror! The 3 that are cool are the ones who pull the production numbers for the company every month. So that gives them more ammo, because it's lonely at the top!

What are your thoughts on this situation?

Thanks,
Keepin' it real



Dear Keepin' it real,

Hate. Everyone has it. For some, the shit is fucking extreme. For others, not so much. Women are evil fucking bitches. Not all, just some. To be honest...a woman's hate is something you don't want to fuck with (depending on who it is). Why? Well, if I were to answer that question specifically, I might not wake up tomorrow. And you readers wouldn't want that to happen, would you? That's what I thought.

If there is one thing I need to make clear, it's that there are types of haters. A few of which, you my dear, are dealing with on a day-to-day basis. With that being said, I want to share with you and the rest of these normal and hateful bastards, "J-Wunder's Lists of Hateraders". If you think "hateraders" isn't a word, well it is now. You're Welcome.

The Ugly Hater: Here's the truth - ugly bitches HATE pretty bitches. End of fucking story. There is no fucking mystery to it. These haters know they're ugly as fucking sin and haven't gotten laid since, I don't know, 1989 maybe? See, these types of haters hate dealing with the good looking folks because for starters, good looking people always get looked at. They always get compliments. They always smell good. They always dress nice. If you're ugly, you too can smell good and dress nice...but for fuck's sake, you're ugly. How good you smell and how nice you dress can't change the fact that your face, looks like it got beaten with the ugly stick and went through a meat grinder...TWICE. Society doesn't accept ugly. True story. Let's not forget to mention, muffin tops were the shit back in 1973...not the 21st fucking Century. One word: Treadmill. Two more words: Plastic surgery. 

The Unsuccessful Hater: You know what's worse than being the ugly hater? Being the poor motherfucker watching everyone around you move up the corporate ladder because they are that damn good at what they do. Yes...I'm talking about the unsuccessful hater. The hater that is too fucking stupid to realize that high school diploma's are worth $1.50/hour these days. While you make the dough week in and week out, they are still learning how to tie their fucking shoes and teach themselves how to talk on the phone. You think I'm bullshitting, I'm not. No worse combo than being fucking ugly and stupid. That combo right there is reason enough to jump into a pit of hot lava. Just know the only reason they got the job wasn't because they were smart or nailed the interview. Companies these days have to meet quotas in regards to hiring retarded motherfuckers. Looks like they hit those numbers.

The Gossip Hater: Haters love to talk. Especially about those, they feel are a threat to them. These lovely gossiping haters still live back in the high school days. They never shut the fuck up, they are usually haggered past the age of 25 and truthfully, they are straight up cunts. Nothing is worse than a cunt. A bitch I can stand to a certain point, but a cunt? You might as well give me a gun so I can shoot those fuckers right between the titties then ninja kick them in the goddamn esophagus. Fuck, now I'm all worked up because cunts are just bad fucking news. The reality is, the gossip haters cannot and will not accept the fact that the people they despise the most, are better than them. This is why they call out other people's "flaws". Guess what I have to say to that shit? Fuck that and fuck you bitches for running your mouth like you're all goody-goody. You ain't shit, your kids are fucking fat and dyslexic and the only thing good about you, are your fat ass nipples that look like trash can lids. Here's an awesome idea: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I could have listed 10 more types but you know what, we would be here all goddamn day...and I ain't trying to write a fucking book on some bullshit motherfuckers I can't stand. In your situation, you deal with these three types. I feel bad for you. Not because you have to deal with this hate, but because as much as you want to kick these bitches in the vagina, you can't. Fighting in the workplace is never a good thing...that's why you need to become friends with these folks, take them out for drinks then fuck them up Incredible Hulk style. And who doesn't like a good bar fight? Just sayin'.

Haters Gon' Hate,

J-Wunder