Reality Television...the smut of what society loves to watch...DAILY. But why? Why do we LOVE this shit so much? It seems like almost every other channel you turn to, there's some bullshit reality show on. From The Real World to The Real Housewives (pick a city, any city) to goddamn Rock of fucking Love. Put the word "Real" in the title, and you know it's an over-acted crock of shit. But we as a society, can't help but watch what happens in other peoples' "real" lives. Am I right? Of course I am.
Being a reality show fan, I realized something (besides that I may have too much time on my hands). I realized that with a majority of these shows, lies a formula. A formula that always guarantees to bring viewers in. This is not based on the premise of the show, it's more based on the casts. Because honestly, no one gives a shit about a reality show if the casts sucks ass, right? So with that being said, check out the "Must-Have Casts for Reality Show Success".
The Bible Beater: 94% of reality shows have ONE religious person that has no fucking clue what life is about. They never had sex, drank booze, saw other people naked...hell, they don't know what a fucking Rated R movie is. The only thing they know is...G-O-D. Amen. The beauty of these type of cast members is that they just go with the flow. Shitty for them, by the end of the season, they have disappointed every fucking person that has ever loved them. Didn't drink before? They are a goddamn alcoholic now. Did you see how many times they were shit faced in front of the cameras? Wow. Not gonna have sex until they wed? Fuck all that. First time they bone is two weeks into the show. With no condom. Straight raw doggin'. One word: AMAZEBALLS. Couldn't watch a Rated R movie in their life? Who needs Rated R when you have XXX now? Helloooo masturbation. Gotta love those church folks. See what happens when you put a camera in front of their face and have them actually meet people outside a house of worship? All bad shit. And we fucking love it!
The Token Black Person: I'm not racist. I'm just real. Leave it to these goddamn producers to always make sure every Reality Show has that one "black person". Why? Simple. Because they are always in the middle of the drama. They're loud. Plain and simple...they just don't give a flying fuck. Nothing is better when our token friends tell mother fuckers off and show them what "hood" is all about. Don't get me wrong, not every black person on these shows are "hood", but if you get them angry enough, it doesn't matter if the mother fucker is gay, you'll see "hood". You all laugh, but I'm 95% right. Personally, I'm a fan of these folks because if they aren't trying to break some shit up, tell someone off...they are chill and trying to get fucking laid. Can you blame them? Keep keepin' it real, my peoples. Ain't no one gonna fuck with you.
The Slut: Yup...pretty much, there's always one chick that's a fucking whore bag. Loves to suck and loves to fuck. All shapes, colors AND sizes. I'm almost positive she's had every STD in the books and is on her very way to getting AIDS by the season finale. But whatever...that's probably just the editing guy doing a great job making her "look like" she just banged all of Las Vegas. No biggie. Oh, and why is it that these sluts always come from a "small town" and have "relationship issues". Hey cunt, you're a fucking whore...why do you think you have relationship issues? Stop fucking the goddamn city of Philadelphia and maybe things might look up for you. For fuck's sake. Fuck.
The Angry Partier: Lets be honest, the person who parties the most, gets the most fucked up (booze, blow, whatever) and loves to fight. These people...BOOST RATINGS! How could it not right? I mean, as we sit there and watch this person, we realize that this person is a fucking degenerate. The main purpose for them even being on the show is to party all hours of the day, get so shitfaced that they never make sense, and start fights with not only their roommates and other casts members, but inanimate objects as well. How many times have you watched a show and the angry drunk always punches the wall or starts throwing shit? Exactly...ALWAYS. Fucking clowns. Lets not forget they always go to the drunk tank and deny they don't have "a problem". Bitch please. Have another drink.
The Dark Secret Person: Why are these people ALWAYS on every Reality Show? There's always some fucking asshole on here who has a hidden "secret". They were abused, raped, molested, bitch slapped a few times as a kid OR did porn, prostituted themselves, was a "professional dancer", has 3 illegitimate children in 3 different states and is running from the goddamn po-lice. No one wants to see or hear that shit, people. Wanna know why? Because it's fucked up and makes you look like a goddamn fucking headcase looking for attention. Don't tell me any different because we all know that during your "interview" you said some horseshit to the producers about how your 8th grade teacher fucked you in the custodian's closet without blinking an eye. Oh, and they are the first to know. Get the fuck outta here. Seriously? I'm all for a sob story, but for Reality TV? Hey, I hope the token black guy kicks your ass for being a stupid shit. I have some pretty fucked up shit that happened in my life, but you don't see me talking about it. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, it's these bastards who use these storylines to get laid. Hmmmmm...you are some smart mother fuckers. Jerks.
The Gay: What would any show be without The GAY? They drink, they are always fucking dancing, all about the fucking drama...wait, one more thing...and they looooove to hookup and bone. The gay can be your best friend, or your worst fucking enemy. I'm serious. I'm all for the gays but fuck guys...these mother fuckers can be ruthless sometimes. Cold-blooded gays aren't ones to fuck with. I dont' care if you're a goddamn MMA fighter...fuck with a gay, you're toast. They may get their ass kicked, but don't sleep with both eyes closed because you might wake up with a goddamn surprise. Sneaky bastards. Just sayin'. Go gay. #nohomo
What would we do without this diverse group of people flooding our television screens on a weekly basis? Some love it. Some hate it. In any event, we watch it. For the drama of it all.
And you know what reality TV does beyond the fucking entertainment, laughter and the [occasional] tears? It makes you REALLY fucking happy that your life isn't as fucked up as the people you're watching every night.
Although, for the lucky few who sit and watch this fucking garbage, and realize you fall under any of these categories............ consider yourself the next big star!
You're Welcome.
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