I love holidays. I love everything about them. But there is no other holiday that I love more than the 4th of July. Yessir! The weather, the bbq's, the friends and family. It's an amazing fucking day. But the two things I love the most about the 4th of July are: 1) Booze. 2) Fireworks. Put those two together...and we have ourselves a really fucking fun party.
Have any of you ever gotten drunk and fucked around with fireworks? Well I have, and let me tell ya, it's the most amazing and scariest fucking thing you'll ever experience. Take last year for example...
I was at the beach. Was there since 6am. Drinking. A lot. Not to look like a complete piece of shit, I started my morning off with some Bloody Mary's. Around 9am, I moved to Mimosa's. 10:30am, beer. By noon I was taking body shots off some old ass cougars who were camped out next to us. I would say it was awkward but those old bitches were fucking hiz-ooooot. I'm only saying this because I'm fucking single and need some pussy...BAD. Anyway, I was drunk. Really, really fucking trashed. Like newborn baby drunk. You know...when you can't open your eyes and feel like you're blind. Yeah, that kinda drunk.
By 8pm, the sun came and left, and as for me...I was ready to blow up some shit. So I pulled out some fireworks. Not your gay ass sparklers or Piccolo Pete's either. I'm talking about some mother fucking bottle rockets and the always amazing, Roman Candles. Imagine me...half fucking naked...drunk...with some illegal shit in my hand...looking to blow up the goddamn sky. One word: Awesome! So awesome that instead of shooting them in the sky like a normal fucking human being, I did something better. I lit those fucking things up and just started shooting them...AT PEOPLE. That's right..I was THAT guy.
To the chick who's number I was trying to get all damn day at the beach...fuck you, hope you like this bottle rocket right between your milky tits - BOOM!
To the douche bag that only got knee high in the water because he was afraid to get his hair wet...hair product + explosives = YOU'RE FUCKED BUDDY - KA-BLIZ-OW!
To the two hot ass cougs that I was taking shots off of, and making out with, pretty much all fucking day...who still gives hickey's to people? This Roman Candle has botoxed vagina written all over it - TA-DOW all up in yo BIZ-NASS!
Guys, I was waaaaaasted. So smashed that I started shooting mother fuckers with fireworks...for like 30 goddamn minutes. Hot chicks, old chicks, douche bags, moms, dads, children, life guards. Anyone that got in my path of destruction...hasta la vista bitches. Then the cops came...
Me: "Ocifer, fuck man...I don't wanna die."
Po-po: "Son, you aren't gonna die, you're going to jail though."
Me: "I swear, I didn't mean to, I'm just sooooo fucking drunk. My whore of a girlfriend fucked some other chick (yes, the bitch fucked another chick...a stripper actually) and I'm taking it out on booze and innocent children."
Po-po: "We need to take you to jail son. I'm sorry."
It was right then and there that I knew, if I didn't do something fast, I was seriously going to be fucked. Both in life and by the big ass dude named Francis in a 8 x 8 cell. So what did I do...
I PISSED MYSELF...In front of every fucking body.
I have never seen a look of disgust from so many people...even the police. But I had to. I had to do something because for starters, I had no clue where any of my clothes were...and second, I forgot what town I was in. That's how fucked up I was. Oh and by the way, thanks to my fuck face friends who stood back and laughed at me the whole damn time. You guys can go fuck a rock. Dicks.
Me: "I'm sorry ocifer, I can't control myself. I'm scared. Please let me go."
Po-po: "Son, we'll let you go, but we have to site you for public intoxication and urination."
Me: "God bless you men in blue."
That's all I got guys. A slap on the hand and a fucking ticket. That my friends...is a goddamn mother fucking win!
So what's the moral of my story?
The 4th of July is awesome. Get drunk, make out with whoever you fucking want, and blow up shit. But if and when you get caught by the police and are about to go to jail...piss yourself...just don't shit yourself. That's just fucking gross. Yessir!
Happy 4th, you fuck faces!
17 comments:
Omg.... Over here n pain n my dumb arse decide to read this. & laugh so hard I'm n more pain... *imagines* smh.... Thx Ringer
I was hoping you were going to say you shot a firework at the cop!! LoL, I would pay money to see that!!
I would hickey you up, but I'm laughing too hard. Cougars need love too!
Fuckin hilarious meng
Well, Mr. Ringer you appear to fine young son of America and the wife and I would like you to consider being adopted by us. I think we could find a you a comfortable room in our humble little home and where alcohol is offered from 6:00 am til midnight and til 4 am on weekends. As soon as I can locate the keys to my 59' Caddy I'll swing on by the airport and pick you up.... Wassat Mama? (The wife wants to know if you have a special preference for Whiskey.. I need a little help gettin up off the floor right now. I'lll get back atcha sooooon... burp....phew!
That just gave me The Lol's beeg tie, yes I said that like a messican gardener.
I really hope some of that story was made up. That was the funniest ish I have ever read in my whole entire life.
Estan sumamente locos y chistosos:-D:-D:-D!!! :-*<3 ya'll
Epic story is epic. ALL UP IN YO BIZ-NASS!
Granted some of that shit was funny, but i feel like the fact that everyone is just saying how amazing you are miight lead to you doing stupid shit like this again jus so you can blog about it. Do you have any idea what a big ass firework can do to someone's face?!
Ooh my girl slept with another girl so i'll just shoot some strangers with things that explode... Yep, seems pretty retarded to me.
If you shot a firework at my kid, the police would have been arresting me for beating the shit out of your stupid ass.
But atleast you can write well.
Epic...definitely epic! Next time there's a chance I'm going to jail...definitely going the piss & play scared route! Thanks for the tip! You're fucking hilarious btw :) ~jess
This was the worst story I've heard in my life, it would have been funny if it actually happened but I'm sure last fourth of July you were sitting home on your computer jacking off to fat bitches with braces on Craigslist. You remind me of my brother, which makes me hate you more, a useless piece of shit who exaggerates everything online to make it look like he has a great life, in reality he has no job, no car and still lives with his parents. Wait, is this my brother?? This would be some lame story he would write.
Lololololololololol it fucking killing me
Katie needed to get laid!
Im with katie. Although watching it on a movie would be hilarious, i wouldnt think a grown ass man would do something so fucking dumb. I'd rather have you throw shit at people than to shoot fireworks at people. FUCKING. IDIOT.
Katie, I love you. Ringer, you're a degenerate. if you ever actually shot a firework at a kid, I'd lodge my foot so far up your ass that I'd be kicking the douche bag straight out of you.
No way did this happen. Someone would have kicked the shit out of you for shooting fireworks at people way before the cops came. And you think you're the first drunk ass to piss themselves, and the cops are gonna let you go for that? This would be funny if it was even just half true, but its pure bullshit.
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