Feliz Cinco de Mayo Putos!

I love Mexican people. I love them so much that sometimes, I consider myself a little Hispanic once in a while. But hey, don't get that shit twisted...I stick to my roots of being Pacific Islander at the end of the day. But I digress. Friends, today is a beautiful day, you know why? Because it's Cinco fucking de Mayo. Or as I would like to call it, "Mexican Christmas". I don't know the history regarding this glorious day, nor do I care. Don't take offense my Latino friends because we damn well fucking know that 60% of you mother fuckers don't know why ya'll celebrate this shit either. Bottom line, today we are all embracing these awesome beaners and celebrating in pure Hispanic fashion. DRINKING.

Some of you white people out there are probably confused regarding what I just said. Here it is in English honkies...to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, other cultures gather with our Latino friends, and get shitfaced drunk, listen to Selena cd's while waiving full size Mexican flags chanting, "Viva la Mexico!" Then, towards the end of the night, find firearms and shoot them in the air because that's how fireworks were invented...by guns. Make sense? Oh, and there will probably be an "accidental" sex act with someones sister, but that's just water under the bridge so no worries at all. Well, unless you get that bitch pregnant...because we damn well know that 92% of Mexicans are Catholic (the other 8% believe in the Chupacabra). Catholic = No birth control. Lots of fucking, but no baby pill killers for them. So a quick tip to you young bucks looking to bang a sexy Hispanic lady tonight: either wrap your weiner tight, or pull out and give her the candy cane. What's the candy cane? It's when you punch a chick in her nose, make it bleed, cum on her face, then swirl that shit around. Hence, the candy cane. You.Are.Most.Welcome. Please note: this type of sex act is not intended just for Mexicans...you can do this shit to other people of all cultures as well. I would be a racist if I said this was "only for Mexicans". Shame on you for even thinking that you silly fucks.

The thing about today is that Cinco de Mayo is like St. Patty's Day...but for Mexicans. Which brings me to my next point...who can drink more? Mexican or Irish people (I don't know if I should say Mexican, Hispanic or Latino...fuck it, I'll use all 3)? Mind you, they're both fucking drunks but who's leg is more hollow? See, it's guys like me that only think of this shit and feel that it would be absolutely beneficial to see who would win. Something to think about down the road. However, if I were a betting man, I would bet on my brown friends. Why? Well, although Irish folks can drink like no other...they pass out on point. And when I say pass out, they drink til they fall asleep. How is that fun? Sitting there drinking into the wee hours and all of the sudden it's silent. Fuck all that. That's no bueno. Flip that shit over to my Latino Heat peeps, things get a little different. When these people get fucking shit housed, they don't pass out, they start doing one of the following:

1) Dance like a newborn baby giraffe trying to walk. It ain't pretty so make room for Hispanic flash dance to your left.

2) Shoot people. I know 8,000 Mexicans. All 8,000 of them own a firearm. How is this possible?

3) Sing like they are El Mariachi. Believe it or not, listening to a drunk Hispanic person sing is pretty fucking funny. You may not understand a fucking word they're singing but it sounds pretty fucking good.

4) Fight. Mexicans love to fight drunk. Why? Because if they lose, they don't remember it anyway.

5) Try to get laid. Don't matter with who...they are just trying to cook their carnitas in some chicks copper pot. 5% usually hook up with their 3rd cousin. But hey, 3rd cousins are like acquaintances. No biggie.


Like I said, I love Mexican people. I love their honesty, their ghetto-fabulousness, their desire to get drunk and not make any sense. Their food...OMG I cum every time I eat good Mexican food. Ya'll don't fuck around in the kitchen, huh? But overall...I love the fact that they have a good time and are good people. Don't get me wrong, some of you mother fuckers are crazy as shit but, I dig crazy. So today my beaner friends...enjoy your special day, embrace it and tell those bitches that try to act all cute with their "I heart Mexico" valley girl shirts, to fuck off. Tell those bitches and douche bags this ain't 90210. This is Cinco de Mayo...where real mother fuckers come to party.

Viva la Mexico y J-Wunder todos Estados Unidos en la mi cabesa y perro...Whatever I just said, just roll with it. Trust me, it's funny as shit.

Where's the tequila?