Advice Column: Freeloading Frenzy

Dear J_Wunder,

About three months ago, my girlfriend's best friend hit an all time low when she lost her job, her house and her boyfriend of 5 years all in the same month. Turns out that the guy was fucking hookers all around the country while on "business" trips (while doing mountains of coke and watching porn at the same time). Of course we don't want the girl to off herself so we do what any decent person would do (not thinking she would accept) and tell her she can come stay with us in Florida for a little while.

Usually when people move cross country it takes time and lengthy discussions about how things will work...well not with this bitch. She packed all her shit and her fucking cat and made it here in 1 1/2 days. Holy shit!!!

Now just to back up a little...the few times I met this girl I was under the influence of weed, ecstasy and/or alcohol at all times. Not one sober moment did I hangout with this chick. My girlfriend, on the other hand, has known her for about 5 years of which this NY girl convinced my girlfriend that they were both "good witches!" (WTF IS THAT SHIT??) They would see each other a couple of times a year for no more than a few days at a time.

So...back to the story...the girl shows up on a Saturday afternoon (One day post eating pot brownies...and trust me my ass wouldn't be able to get off the couch if I won some sweepstakes when they come to the door) and it was like the life was sucked out of me as soon as she came through the door.

The bitch already took my only closet in the house, my shitter and my sex life. Takes over the remote control and watches Vampire movies all day and deletes my shows on the DVR because there are "mean people" on my shows (yes I'm serious). She leaves all of the lights on, eats my fucking food, magically has no money when the bill comes to the table, fills up both sides of the sink with her dirty dishes, leaves candles burning when she leaves the house, drinks my alcohol, smokes my weed, doesn't have a job, hasn't looked for a job, doesn't contribute or offer to contribute to any bills...I could go on all day. I wouldn't care if she didn't contribute at first but the rich bitch goes for private paddleboard lessons, weekly spa treatments, yoga three times a week...........$$$$$$$$$$

We had a house meeting 2 weeks ago and nothing has changed.

I can't eat, drink or fuck in my house anymore...HELP!!!

I want this crybaby to get the fuck out of my house NOW! Help...what would you do if your woman put you in this predicament? Am I a dick for wanting to kick her to the curb?

Thanks!
The Good Witch's bitch



Dear The Good Witch's bitch,

If I could, I would walk up to you, take off my shirt, rub baby oil on my body...maybe put some glitter around my eyes...suck on a pacifier, pull out my little dick, and give you a nice, big, lesbian-but-I'm-down-for-a-threesome-with-you-and-a-straight-chick-hug. Akward?

What you are going through is a travesty and an experience, I too, have seen, been through and witnessed. Where do I start? Where do I end? Where do I hold back? The issue you have is simple...the "short-term" addition to your household is a freeloading cunt that is taking advantage of you, your household, and the shit that goes along with it. Specifically - eating, drinking and fucking. Even though you're a lesbian, it's pretty cool that you use the term "fucking". Any lesbo that uses that term, is alright in my book of cool mother fuckers...damn straight, bitch. Anyway, I'm getting off topic and find myself getting a chubby, so lets move on before I start masturbating to some Jodeci and start thinking sinful things about lesbians, duct tape and some Jiffy Pop (don't ask)...

I think the issue is that you need to grow some mother fucking balls and take your house back. I mean, we're not talking about some fuck who is sleeping on your couch for a couple days...that's happened to all of us at least a dozen times and we learned to deal. BUT, this is a different fucking story. And although this freeloading twat who is living in your house,  has basically turned your life upside-down, I feel ultimately you're the fucker to blame.

Too harsh? Well fuck yourself. You asked for advice, remember?

At the end of the day, this situation is so fucked, so ugly, so stupid, that you're the only one who can fix things. Solution: KICK THE BITCH OUT. "Well, how do I do that oh great one?" Glad you fucking asked. Take notes because I'm gonna roll through this, like a mother fucker in a gangbang with a severe case of gonorrhea.

There are certain things you enjoy when you have your own place: 1) The food you eat, 2) The shows you watch, 3) The sex you partake in, 4) The hours you sleep, 5) The freedom to do whatever the fuck you want to do, without someone telling you how to do it, where to do it and when to do it. Your house, your rules. Plain.And.Simple. However, once you chose to play Florida Hostel Inc., Fuck Face Magee took full advantage of you. The problem you have is fucked up for two reasons: 1) It's your girlfriends BFF, 2) You made the decision to bring in this crazy bitch because you wanted to make your girlfriend happy. Don't deny it, that's why you did it.

Now, shit has gone from living how you always dreamed of...getting high, pissing with the door wide open, 69'ing on the leather couch, drinking booze Monday-Saturday (Sundays are for church), eating Hot Pockets naked and watching Jersey Shore marathons for 10 straight hours...to watching one single individual basically live YOUR dream, in YOUR house, doing the shit YOU love to do...but the way she wants to do it. Minus the sex part of course. AND the best part...she ain't paying for shit, ain't cleaning up shit, is taking fat shits...in short - she's RUNNING SHIT. If you don't think so, think again. Look, I get that her boyfriend did some pretty twisted shit by banging $2 hookers while snorting enormous amounts of Colombia's finest nose candy off the crack of some prostitutes buttocks, but fuck...does that justify her taking advantage of you and your lady? No. Is this her way of saying, "My life is so fucked up, just give me time and please excuse all the shit I ain't doing in this house"? Hell fucking yeah. This broad is smart. Too smart, actually. But how? Well, because you offered. Offered her an opportunity to stay with you for more than just a "few weeks". Remember, telling someone they can stay for a "few weeks" is way fucking different then telling them they can stay "a while". How many people do you know move across the fucking country, with everything they own, and take full-on advantage of a situation when presented an opportunity like this? A lot mother fucker...a lot of fucking people.

You fucked up. So much, that after two weeks, you had a "roommate meeting". Which translates to: yelling, screaming, blaming shit on one another, making up, getting drunk and becoming friends again. Congrats on wasting all that time getting nowhere. You're an adult, you damn well know that "roommate meetings" equal bullshit and hours of your life that you'll never get back. So what now? How do you kick this bitch out without trying to offend your boo? Well there are a few easy solutions: 1) Suffocate the bitch when she's sleeping then dump her body in the ocean, 2) While she's out fucking her paddleboard instructor, call a moving company and have all her shit sent back to where the fuck she came from and board up all your windows and doors, 3) Tell her she can only stay if she converts to lesbianism, 4) Shit on her bed and blame it on her gay ass cat, so she can come back to say, “If my cat goes, I go” (but then again, that might not work because you are just shitting in your own bed) and 5) Convince her coke snorting man he needs to win her back. All five things are very doable. But they aren't solutions that are immediate (killing her ass might be, but you didn't hear that from me). So what you need to do is this...

MAKE HER FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. At all fucking costs!!!! But when you do it, make sure it’s just you and her. The way to do that is simple…spend some dough on a spa weekend for your girl. That way, if it comes down to you killing a bitch, she ain’t there to fucking witness it and you can blame it on the goddamn cat or something. Maybe tell her the ecstasy made you do it. In any event, pay very close attention to what I’m about to say because I promise you, this plan, is FULL PROOF.

5 things. 5 simple things you need to do, to make this bitches’ life a living hell.

1. Stock the fridge full of tofu. Tofu is like eating toilet paper. It has no taste, but tastes like shit. Like to cook? Well for the time being, find somewhere else to be Rachel fucking Ray and cook elsewhere. What you need to do is stock your fridge from top to bottom, left to right, with goddamn tofu. The day she gets home from a tough paddleboard lesson, she’ll want to eat and once she opens up that fridge, the only thing that freeloading bitch will be saying is, “WTF?! Where the fuck is all the goddamn food?! And why is there 2,000 packages of tofu in the fucking fridge and freezer?!” Chances are, the bitch will go pick-up some take-out (BOO) or buy some shit at the store to cook up (YES). If she decides to buy some shit to cook at your pad…hide every goddamn pot, pan, spatula, fork, knife, spoon, glass…EVERY PIECE OF KITCHENWARE YOU OWN. She will think you mother fuckers got robbed by someone or converted to some weird hippy shit.

2. Get rid of all your weed and booze. I don’t care if you have to drink every ounce of alcohol and smoke every joint in your house…get rid of it. Immediately.  Understand that nothing is more uncomfortable than being sober around someone else that is also sober. That alone, takes the term “awkward silence” on a whole new fucking level. If that’s not bad enough, really confuse the bitch by playing some Enya while reading Bible excerpts while walking around the house with holy water chasing away, “bad spirits and cleansing the demons”. It's a known fact that reading shit from the Bible, can freak people the fuck out. Not sure why, but any time the word “Holy Spirit” is mentioned, people look at you as if you’re about to perform some type of goddamn exorcism. Exercise this bitch out of your house...and if that means stabbing this bitch with a cross in her eye, do it. When it doubt, tell the cops God made you do it, not the 3 pounds of weed you smoked.

3. Take a shit with the door wide open. I don’t care how sick and twisted you are, the fact of the matter is, watching someone take a dump is down right fucking sick and reason to move the fuck out. So what you need to do is eat…eat every non-shit-friendly thing you could possibly think of. If you can’t think of anything, here’s some ideas: Wings, nachos, sliders, bacon, burritos, tacos, pizza…top that off with some corn, a jar of peanuts and really dark beer and you should be all set! I promise you, what will come out of your asshole for 48 hours will not only look like a decrepit corpse and smell like a convalescent home that hasn’t been cleaned in over a decade, but it will linger. Have you ever been a house that smelled so bad that you thought someone shit right on your face? Well I have, and let me tell you, everything about it was fucking wrong. You mine as well have just dunked my body in the goddamn toilet because that’s what it felt like. Like I was chillin’ in a pile of shit that I couldn’t escape. Be THAT person that makes Fuck Face Magee feel like she just got shit on. Don’t flush and don’t spray. If you have to spray, spray fucking RAID. The great thing about doing this is that it’s your dookie. And we all know our own shit never smells, right? And just for good measure, you should shut off the water to your toilet. You're welcome.

4. Walk around the house...NAKED. Wanna know how to make someone feel really uncomfortable? While they’re watching tv, sit directly across from them, butt ass naked, with your legs spread wide fucking open, giving them an invitation to your bush buffet that you call a vagina with hair. I don’t know your grooming situation down there, but like 85% of women, I’m pretty sure your vagina looks like that of a 4th graders…bare and innocent. If so, cancel all your Brazilian waxing appointments and start growing your Chia Pet...right away. The last thing we need is your mud flaps to look tempting and all of the sudden, you find yourself getting eaten out and shocker-ed by your girlfriends best friend. Hey, I know you hate the bitch but I watch enough movies to know, things change and tables turn. Not saying you'd ever let this whore touch you in ways that would make your vagina convulse, but, you never know. And just to make sure nothing crazy happens, maybe you shouldn't wash your vagina for a few days. Hell, go for broke, get a yeast infection and show her where cheese comes from. Damn, I just threw up in my fucking mouth. I'm feeling light headed all of the sudden...

5. Masturbate in front of her...and let it fly. Out of the 4 things I listed above, 3 would most definitely make someone uncomfortable, while 1 is just fucking odd. But like anything odd, it's fucking uncomfortable. Ya feel me? However, this...this my dear lesbian flap jack, takes uncomfortable to another goddamn galaxy. The directions are simple. Since this bitch likes vampire movies so much, there is a 102% chance she'll be watching Twilight all fucking day long. Lucky for her, vampire movies "turn you on". So what better way to celebrate then to dress up like a vampire, grab a seat right by her and start banging yourself with that double headed dildo you've been wanting to use for the last 6 months. No need to be shy...touch yourself like you're a defenseless little 90 pound Asian gal in a Bukaki gangbang and your vagina is the only thing that will save lives. Scream, yell, moan...whatever it takes to show her that you just LOVE to fuck...yourself. And if you can...squirt. All over that bitch. You seem like the crazy type to channel such energy to perform such an amazing trick...so if you can, do it. And when you do, point your pussy right at her and fire away. Doing this will cause her to not talk, not move and get soooo soaked that you would think she was on a water ride at Disney World. I'm not dumb, bitches that squirt, fire that shit off like a goddamn Super Soaker Hydro Fury. Never thought a pussy could fire off like a firehouse until I saw that shit on Porn Hub. You want to put on a show, this is your bread and butter. Hell, if you want...feel free to mix in a few things here and there too. The more she sits there stunned, the more it's working.

I couldn't have listed a better group of things that could drive someone out of your life. People may laugh and think I'm a crazy sack of shit, but the reality is, there are people out in this world that would do at least 60% of the shit I just listed. I'm dead fucking serious too. Do whatever it takes. At all costs. Just don't get to the point where I see your ass on America's Most Wanted one day for taking it one step too far by eating the bitch and using her bones as your new shoe rack. That would just be fucking weird. 5 things...5 doable things. If you choose not to do all 5, then just do one. I just hope that ONE is #5. That's my favorite.

Get Your Swagger Back,

J-Wunder