Letter to the Editor

Dear J-Wunder,

Everyday (sometimes) a bunch of co-workers and I get together and read your blog during the lunch hour. We especially enjoy the Advice Columns because as crazy as you are, you are kinda spot-on with your advice. I'm not sure if you are some kind of psychic or whatever, but you keep us entertained and basically have half my office dying of laughter. The reason why I'm writing is because after reading your last column First Date, my girlfriends and I wanted to know what were your thoughts on what ladies should do, expect, act, etc. when going on a first date with a guy. Not all women are like the guy that wrote you and don't all want to bone after the first date. So with that being said, what do women need to do on a first date, to keep things going so the guy comes back for more? And eventually, "get our fuck on" as J-Wunder would put it. Thanks a ton for all the laughs. Just remember, all the people that may talk crap about you, are jealous because you have a fan base that appreciates you. Keep up the great work and thanks for making our work days a little easier.

Sincerely,
Devoted J-Wunderites



Dear Devoted J-Wunderites,

I appreciate all the love you guys have for the blog. You make my job easy and life pretty fucking swell. So thank you a thousand times over!! As for those haters...well, if they hated me so much, their mother fucking cockamamie asses wouldn't keep coming back. Thanks for the additional views ass fucks. Haters hate because they want what you have. Write that down...it might be worth something someday. Anyway, today isn't about that, it's about how do chicks pretty much have a successful first date and have the guy wanting more? Well Suzy Q, you have come to the right guy. Although, I wish that fucking cunt of a bitch...I mean, that amazing gal, Ball Buster, would take this one. She's currently busy sucking her bosses chubby ass vagina at work, so when she has time, I'm sure she would love to chime in on this.

As mentioned in my last column, there are rules. Rules that everyone needs to live by. Again, if you follow these rules I give you, consider your date a success. If you don't, then consider yourself a lonely ass bitch without cock while you masturbate with your "Tickle Me Elmo" doll til you're 40. I don't say shit just to say it, so do me a favor and do as you're fucking told. Trust me...shit will work to your advantage. Once they do, I hope you follow-up with your success story and buy me a fucking beer. That's the least you can do right, slut? Alright, here goes nothing...

Rule #1: Dress sexy, not slutty. What's the difference? Sexy is a cocktail party. Slutty is a fucking Vegas nightclub. Sexy translates to: I like you, but I don't need you. I dig you, but I can replace you. I want to kiss you, but I don't have to. If you want me, you can wait. Slutty on the other hand translates to: You're hot, lets fuck. You like to drink, I'll suck your cock. You have money, you can put it in my ass. No condoms, no problem. Do guys like sluts? Does shit float? Of course guys like sluts. What's the easiest way to have a one nightstand? Find a slut. How can a guy get his cock sucked within the first night of meeting a girl? Find a chick wearing a cheetah skirt, buy her drinks and ask her if she likes a size 7 dong. S-L-U-T. Don't be THAT girl. Sure guys like it, but sometimes getting shit handed to them can sometimes be a turnoff. Don't get me wrong, a blowjob is always nice, but sometimes getting dome when waiting for it, makes guys blow a bigger load. #damnimgood

Rule #2: Strike up conversation. Pretty easy concept to grasp, right? Hell fucking no, bitch. Interaction on any first date is fucking awkward. Why? Well, for starters, I know you mother fuckers didn't meet somewhere sober. All you remember is that you met a cute guy at a bar, you guys danced, you did a few body shots, then you woke up with a number sharpied on your goddamn forearm that read, "Mark, call me 510.672.5382." The night was great right? Sure was...because the two of you were fucking shitfaced beyond belief. Hey, it happens. So what do you do now...now that you're both sober and in a romantic, yet, relaxed environment? Simple. You talk. Doesn't matter about what, just talk. The problem why some first dates don't work out is because guys and gals concentrate too much on what they think they want to fucking say. Fuck all that shit. Throw it out of the goddamn window. If you have to be random, do it. Guys dig it when a chick can strike up good convo...as long as it's not about themselves, they'll take it. Whatever you do, just make sure you have an open mind, can take a joke and give one at the same time. I've heard way too many horror stories where a guy makes an innocent joke and all of the sudden the fucking chick runs out crying because she was too fucking sensitive to whatever the guy said. Bitch, unless someone died or you're on your fucking period, LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!  Any questions?

Rule #3: Relax and be yourself. You just read that and thought, "Why wouldn't I be?" Hmmm...maybe because you're fucking nervous bitch. Ever thought of that? Look, first impressions are everything but what you need to realize is that you met this dude already. Were you wasted? Absolutely. But what you both failed to realize is that being drunk shows the type of personality you have. If this dude was taking a body shot off you two nights prior, don't worry, he doesn't think you're a complete whore, but he knows that you sure are down to fuck and do it doggy style once you learn each others last name. Real talk. When you're not yourself, neither is the dude. When that shit happens, things get really fucking awkward, and excuses are found as to why he might not like you. Remember bitch, the mother fucker asked you on a date for a reason so roll with it. I'm not saying be some drunk fucking floozy that he met at the bar, but be that upbeat person he met that you had a few laughs with. Once the ice is broken, maybe you can relive the body shot moment, but don't take it any further if you really want to hold off on making his cock rise. Oh, and don't be all fucking stiff and shit at the dinner table. Relax your goddamn body and sit up like a lady. You pull some shit looking like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame, that dude might spit in your fucking face and leave you with the check.

Rule #4: Drink a little. There is going to be a moment on this date where shit gets awkward. There always is. It happens. But how do you solve it? Well, you fucking drink. If there is one thing I know, it's that booze is an ice breaker and a great solution to first dates. What's also good about booze, is that it will gauge you physically and mentally, in figuring out if this guy is "fuck worthy". Don't play dumb. All chicks do it. All chicks, without a shadow of a fucking doubt, purposely drink one too many glasses of wine to make sure that having sex with this dude is the "right decision". Reason being...if they can be in that same state of attraction that they were in when they first met Boy Wonder, then all is well and fucking will happen sooner rather than later. Well, what about just realizing all this shit sober? Yeah, that SHOULD happen, but honestly, what percentage do people first meet when they are drinking a latte? 8%? Exactly. Great social settings typically involve places where booze is served and morals are thrown out the fucking window. That's why, drinking is important to see if two nights prior was a fluke and you had one too many shots when you met Romeo, OR that warmness you feel in the front of your jeans is still the same. Now, don't get too fucked up where you become that quasi-slut you were when he first met you. Do that, and he'll do everything in his power to take you home, fuck you into a seizure then say, "Peace out!" Moderation is key. In 81% of these situations, Wine = Sex, so maybe ask for a beer. He'll love you for it.

Rule #5: Have him wanting more. This ain't a fucking strip club and you ain't no fucking stripper. So any thought of you trying to give prettyboy a lap dance, forget it. Guys don't want blue balls. They want something that will keep them intrigued and wanting to come back for more. How do you do it? Simple. Kiss him. If the night is going according to plan, it's never a bad thing to go in for a kiss. However, don't play tonsil hockey. All you need to do is look him straight in the eyes and give him the softest peck on the lips, mouth 1/4 open (minus the tongue). You do that, that dude will shoot a fucking hole through his pants. Pussy is like gold to most men (unless it's' grenade jumping time). That's why you need to show loverboy your va jay-jay is a goddamn treasure chest fool of goodies. Hold his hand, stare into his eyes and laugh a little. If the night is working out perfectly, he's not gonna be worried about taking you back to his pad and fucking you on his couch. Hell nah. What will be on his mind is  a second date and a good time ahead. What that translates to are a few things: 1) Boning, 2) Blowjob 3) 69'ing 4) Make out session 5) Another good night to plan date #3. Now, I don't know what your rule is on how many dates you need to go on before you fuck a dude. What I will say is this, that shit don't fucking matter. If you dig him, you'll fuck him. You don't need 10 dates to prove that. All you're doing is making yourself masturbate more til you hit your date quota, that's all. See Rule #4. If by date #2 your pants are still warm down there, you're fucking him. I guarantee it. Oh, and don't worry about him, he'll be fucking ready with fresh condoms ready to strap on.

You wanted answers, well here they are. Hopefully they're what you were looking for. If not, go fuck yourself. Bitch. All jokes aside though, make sure you pay attention to these 5 rules and apply them to whatever date you go on. Remember, these rules only work if you're into the guy and just don't want to fuck him. If you want that, then expect the rules from my column "First Date" to apply. I know, I'm a fucking genius, right? Good luck and happy dating.

You're Totally Fucking by Date #2,

J-Wunder