Advice Column: What Women Want

Dear J-Wunder,

You seem like you know quite a bit on relationships, men, women, life. Your columns are entertaining but scary because they are spot on in some cases. My question to Mr. J-Wunder is, what do you think a majority of women want? What do guys need to do to seal the deal? I'm having the worst luck and figure you might be able to provide some insight. It's much appreciated.

Thanks,
No Luck Chuck




Dear No Luck Chuck,

Women are an interesting ass species, right? Sweet. Nice. Hard to read. Weird. Crazy. Sex maniacs. Quiet. Passive aggressive. Awkward. You name it, you'll run into these type of female personalities sometime in your life. But put all that shit aside, the question remains...what do women want? What makes a woman say, "I'm into that guy and want him." I can't speak for America, what I can do though, is speak for what I believe works, based on my experience. So grab that pen and paper and take notes because what I'm about to break down are, "J-Wunder's Rules to What Women Want"

Rule #1: Be Fucking Funny. You've heard this before in my "First Date" column. This is Rule #1 because if there is anything a woman loves, it's a funny guy. Do you know how many times I got laid because I was so funny? A lot, bro. I may not be the best looking, drive the nicest car, have the most money...but one thing is fucking certain, I am funnier than a lot of these goddamn pretty boy douche fucks. That's real talk. Funny can't be forced. It has to come at the right moment. Kinda like when you're about to have an orgasm inside or on a chick...it's best to do it when she's asking for it. It's all about timing and where the conversation is leading to. Don't try to be funny if she's telling a sad story. That date will end right fucking there. Trust me, I did that shit once and I was left paying for uneaten food. Bitch. However, once you get her laughing, keep it going. A woman laughing is like foreplay. I don't know for whatever reasons but, when chicks think you're funny, they get horny. How those two go together, beats the shit out of me but it is, what it is. However, if you ain't funny...I can't help you and you should stop reading this column immediately.

Rule #2: Look at her. When I say this, I don't mean, mad dog the bitch...you ain't trying to fight her. Don't try to look at her like you want to kill her either. Sick fuck. That shit is just fucked up, scary and wrong. When I say look at her, I mean, let her know you're into her. With that, comes the Jedi-mind shit. You know what that is? It's when you can look at a girl, and let her know you want her without telling her. Eye contact is always key and very important. Be engaged. You do that, there's a good chance she'll bite her bottom lip and start mind fucking you. This is her way of telling you, "Keep doing what you're doing. You have no idea how bad I want you." When that happens, look at her lips, down to her milky breasts, then look directly back up at her. But do it in a manner where you want her to follow where your eyes are going. Again, keep all of this shit engaged and locked in. Sometimes you don't need words to let someone know how in to them you are. Women love that shit and get off on the fact, just talking with your eyes, gets their panties soaked. If you need practice, try doing this on your dog. If you do it to yourself in the mirror, you might turn gay. It happens man. If you want to know what happens when you practice this on your dog, I have no clue. I'm not weird, motherfucker.

Rule #3: Flirt. This is a huge gray area. Why? Well, everyone flirts differently. And if you do it wrong, you're gonna be left jacking off at home while she's banging your buddy at his parents house. Always let the girl lead, then follow suit. Let her dictate how far she wants to go and you take it from there. Just don't start being the funny guy, look deep into her eyes and say, "Damn baby, I would love to eat your pussy right now." That shit my friend, ain't gonna fly. If anything, it will catch her off guard and think all you want to do is fuck. Treat this like baseball...you have to go to first base before you ever touch home plate. Now, if she's down to pound, by all means, pound that shit like you are tenderizing meat. But if she wants it to be more playful and a little bit of a strip tease, then stay within those boundaries. Your time will come when you get to incapacitate her in bed. Patience buddy. Nothing is worse then almost sealing the deal, and you go and ruin it by whipping out your dick and asking her if she likes her sausage raw. Don't go there if she isn't inviting you. But remember...FLIRT.

Rule #4: Don't be a tough guy. You work out. You have tattoos. You watch UFC. End it there. Please. No need to try to be all big and bad when it isn't necessary. If she met you when you weren't wearing your Affliction t-shirt and looked like a normal stand-up guy, then keep it that way. No need to brag about how you and your buddies got drunk one night and decided to smash 2x4's over each others backs to see "how it felt". That shit is fucking gay and you sound like a goddamn douche bag. If she wanted that, I'm sure she could've found that at the nearest douche lord watering hole. Look, if she wasn't into you, she wouldn't have talked to you. Get it ass wipe? Don't try to be something that will completely turn her off and make her think you have a little fucking dick.

Rule #5: Be confident. Chicks dig it. They want a guy that is confident, not cocky. Someone that has their shit together and can speak in complete fucking sentences. Women love men that are interesting and can mentally stimulate them. Now that doesn't mean you should be fucking retarded and act like Rain Man and shit...that just means, you have something to offer that is a bit different, from every other guy on this planet. So yeah, I guess, if you wanna be like Rain Man, fuck it...be Rain Man. With confidence comes good conversation. Just make sure your confident ass isn't talking about yourself every single fucking time you two meet. You need to be so confident about yourself that chicks already know who you are...and are worth the goddamn investment. Let them determine who you are without even telling them who you are. Again, get that Jedi-mind shit working. You do that, it'll be smooth fucking sailing. AND, your dong could get bigger. That's probably false but be confident enough that you can fit your little ass wang into a magnum size condom. Take that bitch!

Life is full of rules. Here's another prime example on how shit needs to be done in order to succeed in life. I don't think anyone (especially you ladies) would disagree on what I'm saying. If any of you guys do, well, you probably haven't banged a chick in years. Your 4th cousin on your mom's side of the family don't count either, dip shit. 5 rules. Clear direction. Implement these rules into your life and I'm sure you'll have your hands full. Now whether that's with a normal chick or a crazy fucking bitch, is up for debate. I just provide info that works. I never said on what type of personality it applies to, so you're on your own with all that. Good luck. You're Welcome.

Godspeed Son,

J-Wunder