J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

The drama unfolds:
It's amazing isn't it? How one couple can be so goddamn dysfunctional that it almost looks like a normal relationship after awhile? What am I saying? Fuck all that shit. Ronni and Sam, you two mother fuckers have issues. I don't know what else to say other than I hope both of you choke on some goddamn chicken wings or something. You know at first, the shit was entertaining. Then it became comical. Now, it has gotten to the point where I want to start up a 5-day telethon and raise money to help the two of you overcome schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder. You mother fuckers don't think like normal people nor should either of you be with anyone but a goddamn stray jacket while being locked up in a pink padded room. Seriously. I mean, I thought I dated some crazy bitches. You two are beyond fucking crazy and seriously need an intervention or need to be assassinated. How many times could America see, "I love you. I hate you. Fuck you. No, fuck you. Cunt. Asshole. Fucking slut. Fucking dick. I love you. I'm sorry. I've changed. You've changed. We've changed. Things are great. I'm in love again. Wait, what?! Fuck you bitch. Fucking slut. You did what? Whore. That's what you get asshole."

I can't make this shit up people and neither can these two head cases from the East Coast. It's gotten to a point, that if Vegas let you bet on what would happen for the next two weeks, America would get rich. Really fucking fast. That how predictable these two fucks are.


De-nim, De-nim Deena:
Hey Deena, you know why your ass ain't getting laid? Because who the fuck still wears denim outfits besides mother fuckers from Canada? For fuck's sake woman, start dressing like a woman and do something with that greasy ass hair of yours. You look like a goddamn prostitute from the fucking 80's. Shit.


Snooki 2.0:
Am I the only person in America that thinks Snooki looks absolutely fucking heinous 22 out of the 24 hours in the day? Every time I look at this bitch, I want to throw up. Take her lunch date with big dick Vinny, for example. Was it me, or did she look like she just rolled out of bed, threw on some shit a bum would wear, then walked her chubby ass to a burger joint with Big Vin? Lets not forget to mention the make-up she still had on from the night before. Shit, I hope it was from the night before because if it wasn't, someone needs to tell her orange chicken skin ass that it looks like a goddamn 4th grader did her fucking make-up. I don't know what it is, but this broad has been annoying me lately. It's like she turned soft or something. Hmmm...maybe it's because the last time she decided to run her jaw, a dude knocked her ass out. LOL! Oh man, that shit was fucked up but funny as hell. Wow. I'm such a fucking dick. It's ok though because 85% of you guys are laughing with me while the other 15% are trying to figure out what I'm talking about, so you are now on YouTube trying to find it. Anyway...

Can someone tell Snooki Wooki that Vinny will never be with her. Hey, Vin's a great guy, but at the end of the day, he can bang better looking bitches than Snooki. Did anyone notice how she was hating on Vinny the next day for talking to some apparent "grenades" at Karma? Bitch, have you looked in the mirror? You are like a grenade that went off...TWICE. Look, I'm not Brad fucking Pitt but I ain't ugly and I'm sure no fucking grenade. I may have jumped on a few in my time, but man, Snooki, get a clue bitch. The only thing Vinny cares about is your vagina when his penis is lonely. If he really cared about you, the dude wouldn't be bringing bitches home and thinking of you as the 2nd fiddle. But who am I? I'm just a dude that watches this shit with his hand down his pants sipping on a glass of wine. 


She's baaaaaaaack:
I'm officially scared of Israeli's. Thanks to that crazy bitch Danielle. You remember her right? Pauly D's stalker from over a year ago? To all those crazy bitches out there...please note that "stalking" can in fact mean, hiding in a dark corner of a club while staring at the friend of the guy you're stalking, then trying to play it off as if you didn't know they were there. Sorry if what I just wrote sounded like a goddamn riddle. Basically, all I'm saying is that anyone who follows a mother fucker into a club and just stares them down from a distance is straight up, fucking crazy. Like Fatal Attraction/Crush crazy. Like, I'm gonna kill any bitch that talks to you crazy. Like, I want to have your children, so I will take your condom out from the trash can, steal your semen and inject it in my vagina, crazy. Yeah, this bitch is that fucking crazy. Just watching that 10 seconds of her at the club staring at Vinny gave me the fucking chills. What is it with some women? At least the fucking crazy ones? Fuck.


Grenade Landfill:
How hoppin' was Aztec the night M.V.P. decided to make an appearance? It wasn't. The fucking place was so goddamn miserable that the only way I can describe this part of the show is quoting what the fellas had to say.

Pauly D: 
"Holy Shit! Look out everybody...the biggest chick I've ever seen is trying to hook up with me. Holy Shit! Aztec is full of warriors, but this warrior takes the cake. This is the mother of all warriors. This woman is not a grenade, this woman is an atomic bomb about to blow up. If this lady blows up, there will be no more Aztec. There will be no more boardwalk."

"The Situation":
"When you deal with a bunch of grenades, it's like you're dealing with the best ugly chick."

No need to dive into this any longer. It's pretty clear that none of you guys want to read about some shit that might make you throw up in your mouth. You're welcome. 


Connie is WASTED:
Wait one goddamn second. Ronni, your mom's name is Connie? Are you fucking serious bro?! Excuse me while I piss myself full of fucking laughter. Wow man...is Dr. Fucking Seuss your dad? I mean, if the mother and son name rhyming wasn't bad enough, it looks like good 'ol Con-Con gets just as drunk as you do too. How many times could one mother call a house, looking for her crazy, jealous son, while sounding more and more like a raging alcoholic? Once. Twice. Try all goddamn day long. That's right. While Ron-Ron took Sammi to the doctor's to get the cum out of her eyes, Ronni's mom, Connie, called the Seaside house every 20 minutes. Fucking WASTED. Not making any fucking sense either. Calling her son out for fucking with grenades in Miami while being with Sam. Talking about her hair or some shit like that. But hey, she's just looking out for what's best for her son right? Even when wasted. Such a good mom.


To Arvin, Or Not to Arvin:
So what's the real story folks? Is Sammi friends with Arvin? Is he a rebound? What the fuck is going on? As all of you know, the subject hasn't died in the Seaside house. Matter of fact, the shit has actually escalated. Thanks to Mr. Instigator himself, mother fuckin' Mike. But can you blame the guy? We all know "The Situation" is a fucking jerkoff but at the end of the day, the guy holds the key to Ronni possibly killing Sammi off the show...but for fucking real this time. I know America is smiling from ear to fucking ear too, hoping some real shit goes down. I'm talking, "48 Hours Murder Mystery" shit. Ok, maybe not that extreme but would any of you be surprised if mother fuckers die next week? Thought so.

Something's going down. It may be Ronni punching Sammi in the goddamn face. Hell, it may be Sammi shanking Ron-Ron "American Me" style. All I know is that when Arvin told Gorilla Ronni (on the phone) that his tongue definitely touched Sammi's tonsil's, that was all the fuel needed for Roid Rager to want to choke a bitch.


That's where it ended, and I hope that's where it begins this week. Two episodes left and I pray to the Reality Television Gods that 1) Snooki OD's on bronzer, 2) Deena has sex, 3) M.V.P. has their first ever gang-bang together (not with each other because that would be really fucking weird), 4) JWOWW's titties explode, 5) Ronni cries but cries blood...while Sammi tries to hang herself with a big ass thing of red rope licorice. It may be far fetched but a mother fucker can dream, right?

Stay tuned because it HAS to be a good one!