Super Bowl Aftermath

It's the absolute biggest day for 100% of sports fans.  Bigger than Christmas, 4th of July, the Presidential Election...hell, even bigger than your fucking birthday.  I'm talking about the Super Bowl.

Take every special occasion, combine it into one party and you have yourselves a goddamn Super Bowl party.  I'm talking every type of food you could possibly desire.  Every drink out of a fucking Bartender's Bible.  Every single football fan (this includes bandwagoners) in one room.  This my friends, is the best fucking day you'll ever remember.  And if your team actually plays in the Super Bowl, then this day shot up to 1,000 on the "happiest fucking day of my life" meter.

But for every Super Bowl celebration, there comes a very huge price.  I'm talking about the Super Bowl aftermath.  When I say aftermath, I don't mean some mother fuckers dying.  I'm talking about that Monday when you wake up and ask yourself, "What the fuck just happened?"  Yeah, that Super Bowl aftermath.

The Monday after the Super Bowl, is the biggest "call-in sick day" to work, ever.  500 million people could be celebrating their 21st birthday, drink for 20 straight hours, have a cocaine snorting contest with Charlie Sheen and the numbers of those people calling in sick the following Monday would not even come close to the stat line of the Super Bowl party-goer.  Why?  Shit, I have no clue.  Maybe because football is just fucking awesomely amazing.  How bout that?  Maybe because a Super Bowl party gives every single American the opportunity to drink whatever the fuck they want while eating like the most obese person the world has ever seen.  Super Bowl party = Hangover/I.B.S./Near Death.

I'm not a statistician but I could probably guess that toilet use the Monday after the Super Bowl is also at an all-time high.  No one can tell me different.  I mean, if you think drinking beer and eating hot wings, 7 layer dip, nachos, baked beans, ribs, taquitos and sliders for 18+ hours aren't gonna give you massive diarrhea the next day, do me a favor and go jump off the goddamn Golden Gate Bridge.  I can tell you right now, I have never seen so many people using the shitter before noon today.  It's all good people.  Everyone has seen you go to the crapper 10 times today.  You have the same stomach virus the other 200 people have...the Super Bowl stomach virus.  You did it to yourself so why feel ashamed?  Hey, Super Bowl parties aren't about carrots, celery sticks and green fucking tea.  It's about that amazing fucking dish your buddy cooked in bacon grease and sticks of butter.  It's about those damn Margarita's your lady fixed up that you think don't have alcohol in them.  Til you wake up naked with a toy rabbit hugging your penis.  How that could have happened, you'll never know.  All you know is that this is what Super Bowl is all about.  Eating, drinking and feeling like complete shit the very next day.

Non-sports fans probably think it's fucking ridiculous that every year, we eagerly look forward to some overpaid television commercials and a halftime show that is way over the top.  And that's ok with me.  Those folks aren't fun and probably don't have any friends to begin with.  Their idea of fun is drinking coffee and listening to book readings at some bullshit cafe where people smell like they haven't showered in weeks.  We may be drunk and out of control but at least we don't smell like a sweaty ass armpit that hasn't seen a bar of soap in two months.  Shame on you fuckers that decline to experience what the Super Bowl is all about.

To those folks that feel like shit today, be proud.  Be proud that you gave it everything you had and left nothing on the table.  Be proud that you didn't waste anything you put on your plate and now have been shitting your brains out since 4 this morning.  Be proud that you drank like a fucking alcoholic and now have a fucking headache to prove it.  Be proud that you didn't stay at home and bitch out on your friends.  Be proud that you celebrated the Super Bowl. 

Until next year...