The J-Wuntourage

We all have them....an entourage.  A group of friends that you laugh with, party with, get in trouble with.  An entourage is your clique.  Your brotherhood.  A group of friends that promise to "ride together, and die together," through thick and thin.  Call the shit a cult if you want.  I thought about my entourage last night over a few glasses of wine and got to thinking...what if my ass was famous and got to hand pick 5 people to be in my click?  It was a pretty good question to ask myself, especially after the 3rd glass of wine.  So after collecting my drunken thoughts and ideas, here are the five I came up with.  I kept this shit as real as possible.  Enjoy.   



#5 - Ron Artest:
"First off, I wanna thank everybody in my hood...my wife, my kids, my family, everything...definitely wanna thank my doctor, my psychiatrist, she really helped me relax a lot...I knocked down that three just like you told me...and my single coming out, I got a single called Champion, I did a song called Champion last June! And the single is coming out!"

Question?  How do you spell crazy?

R-O-N A-R-T-E-S-T

Every entourage has one crazy mother fucker, and Ron-Ron is just my guy.

Any human being that thanks their psychiatrist after winning an NBA Championship, let alone promotes his shitty new single on national fucking television, is always a winner in my book.  Lets not forget, crazy ass Ron-Ron is probably the only player in NBA history, to stir up the biggest brawl during an NBA game, drink Hennessy at his locker during games at halftime, and walk out in his fucking boxers as a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live.  Hey Ron, lets drink and see where the fucking night takes us buddy.  Ain't no party like a Ron Artest party.  Damn straight son!  How many fucking kids do you got again?!?



#4 - David Hasselhoff:
This should sum up his AWESOMENESS!!! How the fuck would you not want this guy in your posse?


"The Hoff" is probably the only dude I know that is considered a fucking douche in the States but a God in Europe. How that's possible, beats the shit out of me. I personally like the guy because he fucking drinks and gets down on late night fucking munchies. He seems to be one of those dudes that would totally jump on a grenade for you too.  And when I say grenade, I don't mean the shit that blows mother fuckers up. I'm talking about the grenade that you risk getting a blow job from so your buddy can get laid.



#3 - Lindsay Lohan:
Child star. Singer. Socialite. Drunk. Druggie. Slut. Bi-Sexual. Lesbo. Thief. Liar. Jailbird.  All words that basically summarize the only woman that could make the J-Wunder entourage.  Hate all you want folks, but the bottom line is, this bitch brings the thunder.  Hell, ask her mom, her agent...shit, ask the fucking Disney Channel how bad of a bitch she was.  I'm sure they have nothing nice to say other than she had a great rack and a freshly waxed vagina.

With a wrap sheet, not limited to: 2-3 DUI's, some jail time, and rehab...nothing, I mean nothing stopped this bitch from being who she is. Plain and simple, she's down to do some shit that even The Pope can't get her out of. With the track record she's fucking got, I'm surprised she hasn't been caught with a sex tape yet. This is one bad bitch and gets the official J-Wunder "approval" sticker. Welcome to the club slut.  Now lets line up some fucking shots.



#2 - Vince Vaughn:
I'm in no way fucking gay when I say this but, when the movie "Swingers" came out, I was in love with Vince Vaughn.  Why, you ask?  Because this fucking dude is a pimp on-screen and in real goddamn life.  Did you not watch Old School?  Did you not watch Wedding Crashers?  Hey, Vince Vaughn doesn't know what the fuck "make-believe" is.  This mother fucker lives it.  Lucky son of a bitch has probably banged a chick in every fucking state including Canada, Puerto Rico and Guam.  Hey Vince, whatever you want to do, lets make that fucking shit happen bro...you bad ass mother fucker.  All I'm saying, a pack of smokes, some booze, some bitches and some ecstasy...we can have ourselves a goddamn party.  Don't get shit twisted...I'm just in it for the booze and maybe a little peep show on some titties, but that's it.  My man Vince can handle everything else.

Words from the man that played the character Beanie in "Old School":
"Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers."

Like I said, that shit ain't acting.  V.V. is the real fucking deal.



#1 - Charlie Sheen:
If you haven't guessed my #1, then stop reading my blog people.  Charlie "Wild Thing" Sheen is the baddest mother fucker living right now.  Three words: Coke, Booze, Sluts.  Dude went 48 straight hours without an ounce of shut-eye...dropped mad cash on trying to form a "porn family," got fucking drunk, got fucking high, then mysteriously ended up in the hospital with some "hernia" bullshit.  Hey man, I don't know any mother fucker that has gone on a 2-day fucking binge of drinking, snorting blow and fucking porn stars and ended up with just a "hernia injury".  How the fuck do you get a "hernia injury" anyway?  Is that when you shit so bad you rip your insides?

All I'm saying is how does a crazy ass dude like Chuck Sheen go on this goddamn crazy bender and just get a fucking hernia injury?  Isn't there worst shit that should have happened besides a cramp in his fucking stomach?  The mother fucker just snorted a briefcase full of blow, drank gallons of Vodka and fucked a bunch of bitches that were probably loaded with a large intestine full of semen. For fuck's sake, that is just the most amazing thing I have ever heard of.   

Damn Charlie...consider your ass invincible because 99% of fucking people would die after pulling some shit like that, just after 12 hours.  And to all of you out there, I'm not trying to defend this crazy son of a bitch, all I'm doing is stating the facts.  Charlie Sheen is a bad mother fucker that needs to be congratulated on surviving some shit that lifetime addicts don't even survive.  I mean, this mother fucker will not die for some goddamn reason.  He's like a real life Terminator...but stays alive by doing blow, drinking and fucking a lot.  Could you even imagine how fucked up this dude was on day #2 of his 48 hour binge?  It was even reported that porn stars were tapping the fuck out because they couldn't take anymore of the crazy shit that was going on at this dude's house.  C.S. must have been doing some really weird shit if porn stars were actually throwing up the deuces. 

Whatever the case, this guy undoubtedly wraps up the Top 5 roster of The J-Wuntourage of the future.  Call me crazy, but who knows what could happen down the road...

If my ass ever hits the lottery, shit could get really REAL.  I'm just sayin'...