Episode 6 was a doozy wasn't it? Besides the fact it felt like 30 minutes of footage was dedicated to Snooki, the show wasn't too bad. I just hope by the Season Finale, someone kills, drowns or sets on fire Ronni and Sammi. Fingers crossed. Enjoy!
Damn Snooki:
I think half of Episode 6 was dedicated to fucking Snooki. I really fucking do. America should have seen it coming within the first 6 minutes when this wookie was found sleeping in the fucking dog bed. The fucking dog bed, really? Damn bitch, how fucking wasted were you to hop over a baby gate and sleep in a dog bed, Snooki Dooby Doo? Seriously. Why does this even fucking surprise me, let alone America? Don't even think for a second, that this episode stops here for this overly tanned Ewok.
A night out with the roomies, lucky lady Snooks finds her dream guy...AGAIN. You know, a complete fucking douche bag. Snooks and dream boy danced, made out, then decided to head back to the Seaside pad. Snooks was a horny little bitch, too. She wasn't even a whole pig knuckle in the house, and without warning to the others, she darts with the quickness (along with her man) to the smush room so she can finally enjoy some homemade Italian sausage. Let the fucking begin right? Wrong. Guess who came knock, knock, knockin' on Snooki's door? Not big dick Vinny. Oh no. Someone better. Mr. Fucking Bloody Pants. That's right folks. Snooki started her period right before dream lover was able to get a few good pumps in. I wonder if her vagina creates blood or tanning bronzer? Interesting...
I'm not done yet. There's more on this muppet baby. I'm talking about the next day when she woke up in the arms of dream guy that actually decided to stick around for the night. Maybe the dude couldn't get a ride home? Anyway, did anyone notice the whole next day, Snooki and douche lord were wearing the same shit from the night before? And I'm not just talking for like a few hours. I'm talking like, for a whole fucking day, people. Unless my ass is on a goddamn fucking camping trip, you would not see me with some broad, in clothes that I wore to the club the night prior, just hanging the fuck out...for 10 hours. The way them Jersey fucks dance, you would think their wardrobe would be covered in sweat and shots of Jager. I hope Snooki at least put on a fresh pair of panties and dream guy either turned his shit inside out or threw them sweaty ass boxers in the trash.
On a more funnier note, Snooki has been the only person to ever experience paralysis from masturbating for an entire day.
Rectal Ronni:
A night of partying for good 'ol Ron-Ron created a not-so-good situation. The dude gets back to the pad fucking wa-wa-waaaaaaasssstttted. The dude starts spinning (not literally, but drunkenly...is that even a word?) Then the puking begins....inside a shopping bag of course...go fucking figure right? Just your basic consequence for drinking 10 Corona's, 8 shots and 1-2 cocktails at the club (but as Ronni would like to say, "I've drank way more than that."). No biggie. It happens to the best of us. Even to people with a bi-polar disorder like good 'ol Ron-Ron. But just when you thought that the madness was over, fast forward to the next day. Ronni ends up with the shits. Unfortunately, these shits came with a nice little present. Blood. Not period blood, but asshole blood. Whats' the difference, is beyond the J-Wunder scientific study, but blood is blood I guess. It just so happened that is was coming out of this dudes asshole. A lot of it. A trip to the doctor, and the examination begins.
I have never seen one guy so freaked out in my goddamn life. Just watching Ronni's facials expressions said it all. Scared. WTF?! Excuse me? Please stop. Mommy. Ouch. That's my asshole you're playing with, sir. You get the picture. I guess I would have looked like that too if the doctor said, "We aren't going to put any scopes up your rectum or anything like that," but proceeds to ram his 8 inch gorilla beast of a finger up my asshole. Swishing it around like he's trying to look for the last crumbs in a goddamn Pringles container. Not fucking cool doc.
Lucky for Ronni, it was nothing serious. Just a drinking problem that caused it. Was that something that concerned Ronni? Obviously not since he was drinking the next night when his buddies got in town. I guess since the doctor didn't act like it was serious, Ronni kinda treated this as a common nose bleed. But from his asshole. It's just blood, right Ron-Ron?
The Golden Slut:
Deena, Deena, Deena. You amaze me. Actually, you don't. First you act like a slut, but you claim you're not. But then, you show your vagina. I mean, which is it? Prude or slut, prude or slut? I say slut. Why? Well, anyone that claims on National Television that they don't sleep with anyone that they just meet, then end up fucking, is basically a big time whore in my book. Don't get me wrong, I think you're a lovely person, but a lovely person that's just a slut, that's all. And what's with this claim about men needing to get a "Golden Ticket" before they bone you? Your pussy ain't that pure woman. The only thing golden about you are those earrings that are flopping around while you perform the reverse cow girl on your man, Dario...who by the way is a complete fucking douche bag. Deena, you are what you are. A chick that loves the cock. Don't deny that ok. It's ok if you love cock. Cock loves you too. Who in their right mind would think you're such a lady, when the story has been made that you toss salad already. If you have been accused of eating out asshole, I'm pretty sure you fuck dudes within a few hours of meeting them. But again, I think you're a lovely slut.
Pauly D and the Stalker:
You know what I love about Pauly D? He doesn't give a fuck. He's laid back and he just goes with the flow. Even with bitches that stalk him. That's right. The crazy Jewish broad is back in his life and I'm betting the house that she tries to kill this mother fucker. Just looking at her gives me the sign that this bitch is crazy and probably eats dick for breakfast. I don't mean that as in "blow job". I mean that she really eats human dick. Probably from the men she has stalked in the past and pulled a John Wayne Bobbitt on them because they didn't love her enough, or some shit like that. Just a heads up Pauly, those stalker jokes you and Vinny were making were fucking hilarious, but you keep that shit up, your girl might fucking kill you in your sleep bro. Seriously, file for the restraining order NOW mother fucker. That bitch scares me and I'm just a guy watching this shit on tv.
Break-up #1,287:
"I feel like I'm in the relationship and it's not even mine." The amazing truth from Mike "The Situation". Break up, to make up...that's all they doooo. You know what? Fuck you Ronni and Sammi. I say this shit every week. I'm tired of it. You two are acting like two chubby, hairy CUNTS. Please note - I have now grouped Ronni in the "CUNT" category because well, he is. When is this going to end mother fuckers? Two bi-polar fuck faces that are still on the show and are still together. Wait, they're apart? Together? Apart? See that. That's fucking annoying. Just typing that shit annoys me and just watching it annoys myself and America even more. Saying your relationship is dysfunctional is giving you guys credit. I mean, just kill each other on the show so we can all move forward. I would rather see Snooki and Deena toss each others salads then watch another goddamn episode of this fucking goddamn mother fucking horse shit. Assholes. Actually, Sammi, you're a cunt and Ronni, you're a twat. Please note - I rescind the term "cunt" from Ronni and he will now be labeled "twat" for the sake of separating these two from any possible confusion. Ronni - twat. Sammi - cunt.
There it is in black and white folks. Good shit, huh? We may get annoyed or whatever, but at the end of the day, our asses are still fucking watching. Until next week. Lets hope for more drama to unfold. Something better is bound to happen.
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