Dear Charlie Sheen...

Hey man, it's me, J-Wunder.  You don't know me or probably will never know me, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm your biggest fan.  It all started off with the movie "Major League," then "Hot Shots".  Can't ever forget that movie with Kristy Swanson, "The Chase".  Did I have a man-crush on you?  I'm afraid not.  Well, until I found out you really loved blow, porn stars and booze.  I never really thought a guy that plays a womanizer on tv could be so cool.  But then again, you were fucking Denise Richards and man is that bitch hot.  And she has amazing fucking tits!  Loved her in that movie, "Wild Things".  Do you still talk to her?  Probably not since you're all fucked up, huh?

Oh, the reason why I am writing you this fake letter that is posted on my blog for all my readers to laugh and think I'm a complete fucking crazy person...

I wanted to congratulate you on being the only goddamn human being for basically going on a 48 hour bender of pure and utter sin and chaos and upping your image by like, 60%.  Dude, 60 fucking percent!!!  That's not only HUGE but fucking awesome man!  Do you know how many people would die to do what you did?  I'm talking every man and woman who loves to get fucking down with some hardcore shit.  And not with just hardcore porn stars either.  I'm talking the whole sha-bang, Charlie Sheen style.  That's truly fucking awesome.

You probably don't care what I'm doing tonight since you're sober and probably practicing yoga right now, but I'll tell you any way.  I'm going to Sacramento.  Not sure if you heard of it?  I heard Crystal Meth is amazing up there, but I'm really not into that shit.  I just drink and get drunk.  My buddy is turning 30 and my friends and I will more than likely buy him so many drinks that he has to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.  Again, we like to party Charlie Sheen style.  Minus the coke and porn stars.  We aren't ballers like you.  However, we will try our fucking damndest (yeah, that's a word) to get to your level.  I'm not the only one who looks up to you, but my friends that are going tonight, do too.  You can thank us for your increase in image status.

Before I go, I've attached two pictures.  This one is my favorite of you and the other is of some guy my friends and I found at a party.  No one knew who he was.  He just got wasted and passed out on my buddies couch.  He told me he knew a "Charlie" but fell asleep before he could say the dudes last name.  So just thought I would run it by you and see if you knew the guy.  Oh, I'm not the good looking white guy or the chick posing with Shitfaced Magee.  I was the guy taking the picture.  I like to be behind the scenes sometimes.

Keep up the sobriety and when you're back in action, I hope you relapse.  I think America would agree you're way cooler when you're all fucked up and boning little sluts named Starship Amy and Angela Assrammer.

Keep it real,

J-Wunder