Consider it Collateral

Have any of you ever gone out with people that never pay for shit?  Like EVER?!  It doesn't matter where you go, what you do, these people never pay for a fucking thing.  They usually have a good fucking story for not paying too.  Look, I love to have a good time anywhere I go.  But when I have to basically fork out double what I'm paying since a few assholes "don't have money," then we have a serious fucking problem on our hands.  This seems to be like a goddamn reoccurring theme every time I happen to go out. 

All I'm saying is how fucking hard is it to pay your portion on a night where we have all come together to get fucking shitfaced for our buddies birthday?  So what if there was a girl that I didn't know until I arrived prior to hanging out with the boys?  First off, this twat didn't pay for shit...come to think of it, I don't even think the bitch owned a wallet.  Secondly, Tits Magee sounded like she sucked one dick too many in high school, for fuck's sake.  Maybe if this broad was hot and planned on riding the birthday boy's big ass Chorizo, she would have gotten a free pass.  But something about her other than being cheap, really annoyed the shit out of me.  I'm pretty sure it was the constant fucking reminder to my buddies and I, how much older everyone was compared to her.  Congratu-fucking-lations you just turned 21, cunt face.  You do fucking realize you're at a 30th birthday party, right?  Ain't no fucking kids at this playground sweet tits.  Know your roll and shut your goddamn mouth.  As mad as I was though, the fact remains...I wasn't gonna get jack shit from this chick. 

You're all probably asking, "What about the other person that decided not to pay?  What's their story?"  Their story is pretty fucking simple.  If you may recall back in November, I wrote a story titled, "Free Loading Friend of the Day" (Free Loading Friend).  I highly suggest you read this if you haven't already.  Plain and simple, I've been paying for this guys drinks the last 10 years.  I love this guy to death but, if I could be completely fucking honest, if I were to print an invoice to how much this dude owes me, he would have to pay for my goddamn retirement. No fucking joke.  Real talk.  I just call it like I see it.   

So what's the solution?  What the fuck do I need to do when I have two people that pull this shit and leave others hanging? I needed to find a way on how I could possibly get something, anything, back into my bank account.  But knowing I was dealing with two of the cheapest fucks around, I had to face the fact that money wasn't gonna be an option.  So the next best thing was taking something they might need...as collateral, of course.  And it didn't really matter what it was, as long as it was something that had value.  That's what my buddy and I thought of the very next morning. And well, that's what we did...we took some shit.  I don't think it was a dick move nor do I think it was wrong considering how much money was spent at my expense on Friday night.

Like I explained earlier, my buddy and I decided if I wasn't gonna get the money that was owed to me, we should take something.  So without thinking twice, we decided to take the boot that the bitch was wearing out on Friday night.  Notice I didn't say boots, just boot.  Just one.  As in, I got the other piece to your puzzle, bitch.  There's nothing worse than losing a pair of shoes that you know you had in your possession.  Especially ones you love.  And if there's one thing I know about females, it's that they LOVE their shoes.  But what's worse than that, is knowing you have one and can't find the other.  ANYWHERE!!!!  What the fuck do you do with one boot?  If you were missing the pair, at least you can deal with it better.  But just one?  Yeah, that's pretty fucking frustrating considering those were your "slutty" club boots too.  If you would have paid me the money I asked for Titzilla, then you could have saved yourself the stress on where your missing boot is now.  But you decided that due to your so-called "hotness" and being a female, you don't have to pay for shit.  Looks like you'll be paying for another set of slutty boots my friend.  You're welcome.  

So what about your buddy?  What did you take from him?  Good question.  When I thought about taking something as collateral from him, I couldn't think of anything.  I mean, the mother fucker is always broke, so what the fuck could I possibly take?  His can of chew?  Fuck that shit.  It's like there was no goddamn way I could prove my point since he had nothing, that I knew, had legit value.  Then my buddy came up with a genius idea..."Take that dudes fucking wiper blade...just the driver side."  Some of you probably don't think that's funny.  Personally, I think it's fucking hilarious.  Think about it folks.  The use of a wiper blade is as important as your thumb.  You may think it's just something as a nice option until your ass really fucking needs it.  How many people do you know can drive with dewy ass windows in the morning?  

Don't get me wrong, I had a blast.  I got drunk, hung out with my good friends and celebrated my buddies 30th.  But what shouldn't have happened were the two peeps that took advantage of me as if I was Donald fucking Trump.  The end result - The proud owner of a "slutty" club boot and driver side wiper blade.  I'm not happy about it, but in the end, this was the next best option rather than going "Good Fellas" on two mother fuckers that just don't fucking get it.  Do I feel guilty?  Should I?  Last time I checked, they both have a job where they receive a bi-weekly fucking paycheck.  You tell me if I should feel guilty? 

We've all experienced having these types of friends.  Every group of friends has one...the cheap mother fucker that doesn't pay for jack shit.  If any of you are like me and wonder what's the best solution to solving this problem, just do what I did.  Take some shit as collateral.  Trust me, pictures are worth a thousand words...