Advice Column: "First Date"

Dear J-Wunder,

I'm actually not sure why I'm asking you this, but here goes nothing.  I'm taking this girl I just met, out on a first date.  I met her at a bar one night and unfortunately, we were drunk and had a one night stand.  I left her house before she woke up in the morning, but thought I'd call her to let her know that I wasn't "just another guy" and asked her out.  What do you think I should expect on this date and could it be weird?  Thanks for your help!

Sincerely,
Hope it's not awkward




Dear Hope It's Not Awkward,

First off, there's really no need to act like a sincere guy, buddy. Myself along with my readers aren't falling for it. You should know better. Fuck mouth. 

"One night stand" and "first date" should not be in the same sentence. Let me rephrase that - fucking before going out on a first date should not be in the same sentence. How's that? No man, "unfortunately" has a one night stand. What? All of the sudden you have goddamn morals when you get wasted? That's like me saying because I was lathering my cock 10 seconds too long in the shower, I "unfortunately" masturbated. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. No one's trying to listen to that.  What's going on with your situation is not about this "first date". It's deeper than that, isn't it?

You got drunk at your favorite bar, met a chick, took her back to her place (good idea, btw), fucked her, then vanished into the night. The problem is, you don't remember shit. All you remember is that you got laid, woke up at some random persons house with a bitch spooning you while snoring in your ear. The only gift you were left with was a nice red rash on your balls with a phone number to go with it.

Plain and simple, you blacked the fuck out. You don't remember how you met this girl, what was said, or if you even fucking danced the night away. This is common amongst the social and sexual society we live in. Don't come at me with this "just another guy" one-liner. That bitch you boned may fall for it, but not me. I know for damn sure you called this broad up and asked her on a date to find out what she looks like. If she's fat. Ugly. Has big ass titties. If the sex was good. If she looked familiar enough to remember that she fucked one of your best friends because he got that same nut sack rash you have, 3 weeks ago. You want to get down to business with her and find out details about that night. Just another guy? Fuck that. You had a one night stand, welcome to the club and accept it...pussy. 

So what do you do now that I've basically called your punk ass out on this "first date"? Well, you go out with her, and treat this broad to the best non-Italian place on the planet...The Olive Garden. Don't feel offended because you and I both know you weren't planning on spending more than $10 a plate.  Cheap bastard. If you were smart like me, grab a couple cocktails beforehand. Lord knows how fucking awkward the conversation might be if you two are sober. Have you ever experienced talking to someone you just met and fucked the night prior, the very next day? 9 out of 10 times, it doesn't go so well. I mean, you do have a goddamn rash or something on your cock for fuck's sake (my reader's think I'm assuming this, but trust me, I'm not). Knowing that, and being sober just don't mix. Calling her out on some shit she possibly gave you is better when you're wasted. Like they say, "The truth comes out when you're drunk."

If she's any of the following, you might be in a little predicament my friend:

1) Hot
2) Fun
3) Boozer
4) Horny

If she's one out of any of the four, consider yourself screwed. Don't play dumb and act like just because she gave you something that you wouldn't fuck her again. People may think that's fucking gross but it's not like your condition is going to get worse, right?

Load up on the booze and I think you'll be alright. Just make sure if you plan on fucking her, confirm that she really did give you something. Because if she didn't, your ass has some goddamn explaining to do Mr. "Just Another Guy". Man, your email was that of a pussy. Pussy.

Oh, and make sure you use a condom this time around. If you nailed her before you even went out on a date, consider yourself already "in". 

Good luck,

J-Wunder