"You do what, exactly?" - An HR Dilemma

What better way to start off the very first "You do what, exactly?" column, then from yours truly, Ball Buster (via email).


If I asked you what you first think of when you hear "Director of Human Resources," what would you say?? I'll bet you'd start rambling about that old, crotchety bitch that walks around your office and reprimands people for doing stuff they enjoy. Well, I used to think that about HR too.

Yeah, HR usually "frowns" upon getting drunk at company parties, dropping the f-bomb in the middle of telling a racist joke, or even getting naked in front of co-workers... Yeah, like I said, they hate all the fun stuff about work. That's their job, love it or hate it.

Enter the Director of Human Resources at my previous job. This bitch pranced around the goddamn office with her nipples halfway out of her shirt, flirting with anyone with a penis, and sat around the company keg, getting half-lit on a Tuesday afternoon. I know what you're thinking, all fun and games, right? If the HR Director does it, you can get away with anything!

It wasn't until that fateful Thursday afternoon, when I walked into an empty meeting room in anticipation of hearing my boss tell me he was quitting (yeah, I already knew), and instead of my fucking retarded boss sitting there, it was her, the Director of Human Resources........NAKED. YEP, fucking topless, big-ass aureoles staring at me...about to poke my fucking eye out. Did she scream? Turn around and get super embarrassed? Apologize profusely? One would think. But nope, that's exactly what I did though. I ran from that fucking room asking myself, "What the fuck just happened and how does a female of that stature get blessed with nipples the size of pepperoni's?" Unfortunately, it didn't stop with a titty show.

Her next move was to follow me into the office next door and say the most audacious things I've ever heard... she looked me dead in the eye, smiled, and said, "Well, at least they're really fucking nice, huh?" To make matters worse, she ends the conversation with, "Well, I'm HR, so I guess you can't go to anyone and talk to them about it." WHAT.THE.FUCK.

NO. This woman was supposed to be the beacon of "wrong vs. right" in the office. That's what she was getting paid to do. So I fucking thought. Whose damn cock was she sucking that she got to walk about acting like a whore and getting drunk...Come the fuck on with that shit.

Now this may come as a surprise to you - I'm even shocked I'm saying it: I'm all for a casual work environment, but where in fuck's sake is the line? If HR is doing shit like this, I'm going to go so far passed the line, that I'm going to end up getting arrested!

Director of Human Resources? Shit. More like Director of "I Love Cock, Lets Keep this Between You and I" Resources.