Charlie Sheen's in rehab. AGAIN. But this time, the man I still call "Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn," went out with a goddamn BANG. Man, did he fucking go out with a BANG.
It was reported, "after a two-day bender featuring vodka, a "briefcase full of cocaine" and more porn stars than one would find on a Ron Jeremy Welcome Wagon Committee, Sheen was enrolled in an undisclosed rehabilitation program and CBS shut down production on his hit sitcom, "Two and a Half Men."
First, I've seen enough movies in my time that anyone carrying a briefcase and not wearing a suit, is fucking up to something. Now enter Sheen, who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, piss-drunk, surrounded by 6 hookers with briefcase in hand. Did he seriously think the briefcase wasn't going to stick out like a sore fucking thumb? Imagine being the one person that sees this shit going down? Charlie fucking Sheen wasted out of his goddamn mind looking like Jimmy Buffet on a summer day in Cabo San Lucas. Walking around fucking clueless, as he's escorted by gorgeous women who have had more semen shot inside their large intestine than a landfill holds trash. Don't forget the briefcase that he's holding on to with his fucking wrist handcuffed to the handle. As if he's carrying around a few million in cash. Well, I guess carrying around a briefcase full of Colombia's finest is probably like carrying cash, right?
Be in the shoes of Charlie Sheen for a minute. Would you do what he did? Seriously. I mean, the guy is divorced, and makes so much fucking bank playing a womanizer on some bullshit tv show with that guy from "Pretty in Pink" and some kid that looks like he'll never know what a vagina is, ever. If I had to work with those two fucks every damn day, I would probably want to snort endless amounts of blow, become a fucking alcoholic and binge fuck whores too. In his defense, I think he was stressed. But fuck man, did you have to go crazy for two fucking straight days? One day wasn't enough?
So what's next for "Wild Thing"? Well, prior to Sheen entering rehab, he was rushed to the hospital for an apparent "hernia condition." Hernia condition? The mother fucker spent two straight fucking days drinking vodka, snorting mountains of blow and fucking porn stars. The best excuse his agent could report was that he got a fucking "hernia condition"? This, as opposed to the overall lingering effects of spending several days furiously downing anything with a viscosity lighter than Jell-O? For fuck's sake man, America isn't stupid.
You really couldn't find something more scripted for a movie. And in all honesty, I think this is pretty fucking AWESOME! I have met some people with fucked up problems in my lifetime. But I don't know anyone that has done what Charlie Sheen has done. EVER. Who the hell goes on a two-day bender of drinking endless amounts of vodka and snorts fists full of cocaine...while banging hot, horny, loose pussy bitches? Charlie Sheen, that's fucking who. Give the guy credit, porn stars were reportedly tapping the fuck out because they couldn't hang with the star from the hit movie, "Hot Shots". But we all know if it was all about a fucking marathon, they would dominate. However, drinking, drugs and fucking...Charlie fucking Sheen runs the shit. I really don't know whether to praise the guy or hope he goes into cardiac arrest. It's kind of a toss up.
All I'm sayin' is that you know shit has hit rock bottom for my man I also like to call "James Russell," when Lindsay Lohan tells TMZ that she's "worried" for him. That's right...Lindsay fucking Lohan. Bitch, aren't you one to talk? All fucked up off booze, coke and diet pills. Worried? Your ass needs to be worried that you don't end up in jail again with those butch ass women who are looking to welcome you to Dykeville. Hope you're ready to munch on some hairy box, sweet tits. You just need to stop Lindsay, with your drug using ass.
I guess the saying must be true, Cocaine is one hell of a drug.
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