THAT Guy

I wanna tell you a story about a guy.  A guy that should be ranked as one of the top 5 nicest people on the planet, but the top 2 most annoying mother fuckers to live on this earth.  There aren't many people that annoy me in life.  Well, until I met this mother fucker.
  
Have you ever experienced a day where nothing could possibly go wrong, then have it ruined by one fucking individual?  Yeah, that's this guy.  He's THAT guy.  THAT guy is annoying.  THAT guy is too nice to get his ass kicked.  THAT guy is so goddamn socially awkward that when you look at him, you think he's undressing you with his fucking eyes.  Yeah, THAT guy.

THAT guy talks.  Way too fucking much.  Whether it be to himself or to you, THAT guy just can't shut the fuck up.  Ever.  You can be wearing fucking headphones with the decibel level at 120, with your head about to fucking explode, and THAT guy will talk to you for 20 minutes...and in that time, not one question will be asked to you.  THAT guy will just fucking talk.  About nothing.  Smiling about some bullshit you have no way of comprehending.   

THAT guy sends you emails that make you say, "What the fuck?"  Every.Single.Time.  They are way too fucking detailed, to the point where you would rather have someone hang you from a flagpole then read his shit everyday.  Hey buddy, did you really have to email me about the 10 blood bursting hemorrhoids your 90 year old doctor removed from your asshole today?  And was it really necessary to let me know your doctor suggested, at your age, masturbation helps the risk of colon cancer?  For fuck's sake man, leave me the fuck alone.  Please.

THAT guy doesn't own one goddamn t-shirt that fits.  Every button-up he owns, makes him look like a fucking pedophile that keeps a ton of Barbie dolls in his backpack.  THAT guy eats every meal like he's starving.  I've seen homeless people eat more civilized.  THAT guy loves divorced women that have bastard children.  It's all about the kids right?  Those kids, hate THAT guy.

THAT guy gives you meaningless facts that he thinks you care about.  THAT guy asks questions about your life that make you want to speed dial 911 and have his ass arrested for creepiness.  THAT guy will talk to you outside the bathroom door, while you're taking a shit.  Why wouldn't he?  He's THAT guy.

THAT guy is a hoarder.  He smells like feet and probably washes his ass twice a month.  THAT guy doesn't own a fucking couch.  You know what he fucking owns?  A bean bag.  That's right.  A fucking bean bag where he enjoys watching reruns of shit like Casablanca while wearing women's lingerie.  How fucked up is that, right?

THAT guy doesn't do drugs.  He so fucking weird he makes you feel like YOU'RE high.  THAT guy is never rude but still gives you that urge to kick him in the goddamn face once in a while.  THAT guy wants to be your friend.  And hug you every time he sees you.  THAT guy used to have a mustache and is thinking about growing it back.  There's a pretty good chance THAT guy will fucking kill you while you're sleeping.  THAT guy is fucking scary as shit. 

Stay away from THAT guy.  If you can't, make sure you stay the fuck away from everyone else.  Fucker.