Have the Flu? Your Semen Is Probably to Blame

Have you ever been knee deep in your lady, giving her some of that really good sex stuff, then  reached the point of climax, and then punctuated it with a vigorous string of sneezes, a high fever, burning eyes, and the hocking-up of phlegm?  If so, then you’re probably allergic to your own baby batter.

The condition is known as post orgasmic illness syndrome, or POIS. It’s not a brand new phenomenon, as documented cases go back to 2002. The symptoms usually present themselves almost immediately after orgasm, which is why the runny nose and teary eyes brought on by POIS can be used as an excuse for men that crymax. Instead of having to go through the embarrassment of having to explain to your lover that the sex made you overcome with emotion — thus making her think she just got penetrated by your beefy vagina — you can claim that your pee-pee fluids are so yucky they make you physically ill. After that, she may ask you to quintuple bag it next time around, because to her your testicles are an incubator for viral plague. But at least she doesn’t think you’re a gigantic pussy. There’s always a silver lining.

If you think you’re suffering from this issue, Marcel Waldinger, a professor of sexual psychopharmacology at Utrecht University in the Netherlands, is working feverishly on a cure. He’s feverish because he just masturbated and got a little of it on his favorite hand.

Waldinger analyzed 45 Dutch men with POIS, and out of those 45, 33 agreed to be a part of this next silly and immature collection of words: they were given diluted doses of their own semen through small pricks. That is to say, they had their skin lightly punctured with needles that contained watered down samples of their own semen. Twenty-nine of those men had near-instant allergic reactions.

In a separate study, Waldinger used a technique known as hyposensitisation therapy to test the reactions of two POIS suffering men. The test “repeatedly exposes the body to small but gradually increasing amounts of the allergen over several years.”

We take this as meaning the men began the testing by receiving a light misting of their own semen, like a refreshing mid-afternoon sun shower of their own spunk, as if they had ejaculated and gently pressed their thumb to the spout, which eventually escaladed in to a one man, entirely self-contained bukaki, as if the man were being sprayed upon by a gigantic mutated version of himself.

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