If there is one thing you don't do in Mexico, it's this:1) Drink the water if it's not bottled.
2) Eat any type of fruit or vegetable if it's not washed. And if it is washed, pray. A lot.
3) Have sex with a prostitute. Even if they have both legs. Like REAL legs.
My buddy did 2 of the 3. Let me be more specific. He happened to do #1 and #2. Bad news for this poor amigo...
The night he got home was all bad news. Chills, fever, sweats. The poor mother fucker was sweating so bad that he had to change his shirt, TWICE. Around 6am, his stomach starts to turn. And when I say turn, I mean like, if he doesn't get up immediately, he's gonna shit the bed. He runs to the bathroom and what he experienced was like no other.
He told me by the time he sat down, the shitter was already 1/2 way fucking full. It was as if his ass projectile vomited directly into the toilet, through mid-sit. Amazing, right? Imagine if you filled up a toilet with mud and couldn't see the water. That's how much shit came out of this dudes body. So much, that it looked like the mother fucker shat a mudslide. Tears literally ran down this guys face. He told me that when he saw how much dookie left his body, his soul must have shat the other half.
After 10 grueling minutes of shitting out his heart and soul, he began to wipe but noticed something. There was shit EVERYWHERE. WTF?! Down his leg, up his thigh, on his balls. I mean shit EVERYWHERE. On his fucking balls for God's sake. Wow. From his lower body, down to his boxer briefs, he realized he must have shat himself when he was asleep. But how could this be? This shit was disturbing and more importantly, fucking disgusting.
While his wife was sleeping and he stood there, covered in his own shit, he decides to pull the blankets off to the side. Sure enough, there it was. Dookie EVERYWHERE. If you could make a chalk drawing of a dead body, that's basically what he saw. Shit outlining his body from the waist down. Being on top of his game, he wakes up his wife in a frantic and tells her she shit the bed. Kidding. How fucking funny would that have been, right? But I digress...
He wakes up his wife and basically tells her he shit the bed and didn't even know it. Lets all try to make sense of this because how you shit the bed, is beyond fucking me. But I guess if I ate and drank some shit from Mexico that I wasn't suppose to, I'd be shitting myself too.
The sheets get cleaned up and he finally takes a shower. At this point, the guy is in so much goddamn pain he just says, "fuck it" and showers with his shit-stained-drawers on. Can you blame the poor bastard? He finally gets out and realizes he didn't even flush the toilet from his asshole outburst 20 minutes ago. When he goes to flush, the toilet backs up. How fucked up could one individuals day go? It's not even 7am and he's already about to jump off a fucking building while covered in his own shit. Finally cleaned up and now the fucking toilet is backed up. Not with just a log of shit either. We're talking about half a toilet bowl full of poo. He starts to get stomach pains again and realizes if he has to, he's gonna have to shit outside in the backyard. I would do the same mother fucking thing. By this point, all the toilets are about to overflow, the shit stained sheets are off the bed in the washer, and he's hunched over on the couch working on breathing exercises waiting for the next wave of shit pains to erupt. 10 minutes pass and by the grace of God he hears this loud noise. A fucking miracle...the pipes throughout the house clear and the toilets flush. I wish I was telling a fucking lie, but it's all true.
So from that moment and for the next four days, my buddy lived on the toilet. Shitting his fucking brains out. To the point where, he was basically pissing out of two holes. Crying, shaking, moaning, hallucinating...asking the shit gods to please stop punishing him. Whatever he did in Mexico, he was sorry for. He's a good man and loves everybody...even the Mexicans. What he meant when he said panchos look like household rugs, he meant that they were cool looking fucking rugs. He would wear 5 of them at once...naked...if this fucking pain would just go away. Why God, why?
Need I remind everyone again...if there is one thing you don't do in Mexico, it's this:
1) Drink the water if it's not bottled.
2) Eat any type of fruit or vegetable if it's not washed. And if it is washed, pray. A lot.
3) Have sex with a prostitute. Even if they have both legs. Like REAL legs.
If you choose to go your own way, you will pay. Dearly.
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