A Floating Horror!!!!!

Today was not good.  Not good at all folks.  Why you ask?  I'll fucking tell you why goddamnit.  I drank a shit ton of water today.  Not because I was hungover or dehydrated.  I was just really fucking thirsty for some reason.  It just so happens, when I drink tons of water, I fucking piss a lot.  Shocker, right?  So much, that every 20 minutes, I always have to go to the bathroom to drain my marsupial.  I try to fight the urge to take a leak only because I don't want my co-workers thinking one of three things: 1) I have massive diarrhea, 2) I possibly have some fucked up growth on my dick and need to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes to apply some type of medication to prevent inflammation, 3) Work is so stressful that I'm running to the bathroom to jerk off in order to relax a bit.  Wouldn't you think those three things if you saw someone constantly going to the shitter?

Bare with me...

So there I am, on my way to the pisser.  But this time, I gotta go real bad because of course, our fucking unisex bathrooms at work are always occupied.  So I finally open the door, lift up the toilet seat, and there it was.  Four feet from me.  Staring me right in the fucking face.  It was as if, I was on one of those fucked up blooper shows, and all the camera's were on me to see how I would react.  I just stood there...motionless.  No words.  No reaction.  Just confused and at the same time grossed the fuck out.  NO, I'm not talking about a huge shit (although that fucking happens from time to time at work). And as fucking retched as a big old dookie is, it happens and you deal with it... and it doesn't even begin to prepare you for what was staring me in the face.

A tampon.  A un-flushed toilet, used, fucking bloody tampon.  Just chillin'. Floatin'. Like it had just killed someone.  Popping up to say hello. REALLY, people?!?  What the fuck just happened?      

All I wanted to do was take a piss.  Not fuck around and play with my dick as I stared at myself in the mirror.  Just simply, take a 20 second piss.  I saw that awful mess and almost threw up in my goddamn mouth while shitting myself because I thought someone cut their fucking hand off.  I hoped I was wrong, and someone had actually cut their hand off and used the closest thing to soak up the blood.  But, alas, I knew in my heart of hearts, that just wasn't the case. 

I mean, girls are fucking awful human beings.  Who in the fuck would do that?  How do you forget to flush?  What the fuck am I saying...you don't forget, you nasty bitch.  That's like taking a shit and forgetting that you took a shit, but worse, because everyone shits (yeah, I know men don't like to admit this).  But for fuck's sake, men don't need to see that.

I'm disturbed. So fucking disturbed.  I'm dead fucking serious guys.  You know for pulling some shit like that, girls get elbowed in the fucking face?  That is reason to get thrown into a goddamn pool of fire.  

I was so fucking grossed out that when I pulled out my dong through the little dick hole, my dick didn't even want to take a piss until I actually flushed the toilet.  My dick was clearly afraid that this fucking thing was going to jump out of the toilet and bite me.  I think I actually witnessed my cock having a full on seizure because of this.  It was like my dick took over my body and couldn't control the fucking situation.  I was in complete, utter shock.  Like, "if I found a dead body" shock.  I've said it once, but I'll say it again: Who in fuck's sake does that?  It honestly looked like a retarded octopus.  Or like a fucking squid that just got shot with a harpoon gun or something.

How do you forget to flush the thing you just took out of your vagina two seconds ago?  I mean, really?  What did I ever do to you, to deserve this?  I don't take a shit then just leave it sitting there.  I only do that to mother fuckers I really dislike.  It's not like I walked up to your desk, pulled down my pants and started to jack off on your face.  A bloody tampon?  Do you know the image that is going to stay in my head forever?  What am I suppose to tell my dick the next time I cruise into a unisex bathroom?  "Hey buddy, it's ok.  There's no such thing as the boogy man."  You laugh, but exposing my penis to something so atrocious, is like being 7 years old and watching the fucking Exorcist for the first time.  Not cool and scary as fuck!  What did we ever do to you.  Huh, what?

Ladies, we get that it happens once a month, but, knowing that the average age of a female in my office is 28 years old, I know this isn't your first time at the rodeo... seriously, how do you forget to flush the thing you just dislodged from your vagina?  Honestly?

I'm voting for elimination of the unisex bathrooms.  No man needs to be as traumatized as I am right now.  I know this shit is way too much information for everyone but this shit was not cool and something has to be said.

Somebody punch me in the goddamn face and wake me up from this nightmare.  Please.