Bart Diaries: Vegan My Ass

You know what amazes me?  People.  People that fucking lie through their goddamn teeth...and know it.  Take this morning for example.  My daily commute from the East Bay to the city.

There I am, about to turn on my IPod, when I overhear this conversation between two women sitting next to me.  They were talking about their New Year's resolutions and how excited they were to meet their goals for 2011.  The conversation was all fine and dandy until the chick next to me says, "Yeah, I've been vegan my whole life."  Wait.  What the fuck?!  Who do you people know that has been vegan their whole life and weighs 250 pounds at a staggering 5 foot 3 inches tall?  Who?  This bitch was lying through her teeth.  I mean, vegan really?  Your whole life?  250 pounds.  You look like Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens and shit.  All-star linebacker.  Could eat 10 Big Macs in one sitting.  Vegan?  Really?  Wow.

I don't like to bash on people.  Ok, maybe sometimes, but not all the time.  It just so happened that the Hamburglar over here asked for it.  How on fucking earth could you tell your friend that you've been vegan your whole life and look like that?  Veggies and tofu are supposed to be good for your ass, right?  Is there a special kind of bacon I'm missing out on that got you looking like the Kool Aid man?  Wait, lemme guess.  You got thyroid problems right?  Yeah, I have that same problem but it made my dick about 3 inches long when hard.  You could take steroids, be a vegan and still not be that hefty.  I'm being dead fucking serious.  
 
You can take all the bread in the world and pile mountains and mountains of vegetables on that mother fucker, and eat it everyday.  Shit, put a little mayo, mustard, salt and pepper on that bitch.  You still won't reach 250 pounds.  And when you say vegan, are you using it as an acronym or something?  Like, "I've been a V.E.G.A.N. (Vanilla Shakes, Egg McMuffins, Gumbo And Nachos) lover my whole life." 

I think you're using that term very loosely lady.  Actually, I know you are because your friend had this look on her face like you were full of shit too and probably eat baby goats for breakfast.

It's cool to bullshit but damn, you're trying to convince us that the sky is fucking green right now.  That ain't cool and you ain't no vegan.  You're not even big boned.  You're just big.  And I'm just sayin'.