Advice Column: Ultimate Revenge

Dear J-Wunder,

I'm not talking about the dutch ovens from sleepovers in 7th grade... haha very funny, you trapped me under the covers and farted. A little stinky, a lot embarrassing, but nothing compared to the WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) that exploded in my master bedroom last night. I'm talking a stench worse than duck butter mixed with napalm, so bad that my uvula almost turned inside out. My eyes were stinging. I could taste particles from the inside of an ass cannon. My husband muttered, "oops" and promptly passed out, while I suffered the after effects every time I even dared to move an inch. The whole room became a dutch oven. Hell, I'm surprised the baby didn't wake up 2 rooms away and utter his first sentence, "What the fuck kind of atom bomb dysentery shit smell is that, dad????"

The odor hung around for hours and haunted me in my sleep. Even now, I can still taste it if I think about it hard enough. And so, J-Wunder, I beg of you.... what is the appropriate revenge to take, apart from holding his ass down and taking a brown swirl on his forehead?




Dear <blank>,

I know one other person that cleared a whole room like this once.  And I'm not talking about a room with just one individual.  Nah, I'm talking about a whole fucking basketball team.  But I guess that should really be no surprise considering the whole team witnessed their back-up shooting guard devour 8 slices of Round Table pizza, a Choco Taco and a FAMILY size bag of nacho cheese Doritos in one sitting.  What made this situation worse was the fact that the whole team was hanging out in one hotel room watching Jenny McCarthy's 1993 Playboy Bunny video.  13 boys, one room, and a naked Jenny MacCarthy.  Go ahead and picture that shit when you have a moment.  I'm just saying it wasn't coincidence that the room was dark and 11 of the 13 dudes were lying on their stomach's because it was comfortable.  Awkward, I know. 

It wasn't even 20 minutes into this memorable VHS soft porn, when that 17 year old boy from Riverbank, CA unleashed something in that hotel room that was more devastating than the bombing of Pearl Harbor.  If there was a new poison that could have killed innocent bystanders, that fart was it.  The reaction by 12 other guys, was of profound fucking sadness.  It was as if, everyone in that rooms puppy had just been run over by the white trash neighbor's big ass F-250 extended cab, special edition, flow master, monster truck.  True story.       

The shit that came out of this young boy was like that of your husband's asshole.  It was exactly what you described but the details of that smell could be talked about for goddamn centuries.  I bet, Genghis fucking Khan never experienced anything like this.  I mean, if you take what you said, and added a landfill of dead corpses, marinated them with fish and Kim Chee...then topped it off with a hint of vinegar and La Victoria salsa - hot, not mild, those two farts would still win the shiny fucking disco ball.  You would have rather got in a goddamn car wreck, right?  So would have those 12 other mother fuckers.  It's an experience you are trying to purge from your memory that can and will never, right the wrong. 

The best and only way to describe this smell would be:

CONCENTRATED SIN WITH A SPRINKLE OF NEVER AGAIN!!!

What the fuck that means, I have no goddamn idea.  All I know is, this is the best fucking way to describe it.  For you and I both.

Revenge is sweet.  So sweet, that giving back what once was given, seems fucking pointless and just not original.  At first, it seemed the only way to revenge your husbands fart would be to bottle up concentrated fucking evil.  Have your husband abducted in his sleep and tie him up in a kidnapper van.  Roll the windows up, break some shit and crank up the heater.  Not to mention have a wet dog with some Hog Head cheese.  But that's not enough.

What you had to go through is almost unforgiving.  The shit you had to ingest was worse than second hand smoke.  It was worse than a crack addiction.  It was worse than sucking a homeless man's dick that has AIDS and the worst case of genital warts a hospital has ever seen.  Yeah, it's way fucking worse.  By April, don't ask yourself why you've had a raging fucking headache for the last 3 months.  You know why.  It's no magical secret.  Here's what you need to do for sweet revenge:

Plan a night out.  You need to get a babysitter, and have one romantic evening with him.  One on one.  Husband and wife.  Fuck mates.  I'm talking candle lit fucking dinner.  Tasty ass Mojito's.  Steak.  Lobster.  A little dessert.  Make this mother fucking shit magical woman.  Hell, if you want to take his ass dancing, go for it.  It's all good. 

Go back to your place then proceed to do the follow:

Pop in some Marvin Gaye.  Tell your horny ass husband to light some candles and relax on the bed.  While he does this, go throw on some sexy lingerie.  When I say sexy, I mean some crotchless fucking panties and some tassels on your nipples.  This is all you need.  Lets be honest, the time it will take you to put on something elegant will be ripped off your body in half that time (just looking out for ya). Since you two will be liquored up and horny as fuck, make sure you don't move too fast and hope on his pogo-stick right away.  Teasing is fun...so have him lay down, and go to town on this dude, like I know you are capable of.

I really don't know what kinda foreplay you're into, but what you MUST do, is blow your man like you're trying to savor the last Tootsie Pop that you will ever put in your goddamn mouth again.  Suck his shit like you were sucking down those three Mojito's at dinner.  By this time, he's gonna be relaxed, eyes closed, ready for more.  And right when that happens, pull out the Icy Hot.  He won't notice a thing since you are giving him what he wants so no need to be worried.  Trust me.   

Don't be shy, get a nice tit full of that shit in your hand.  Just don't put it in both hands because if you do that, you're just being greedy.  You want revenge, not a 2 day visit to the goddamn ER.  Once you're ready, lube up your man's hard ass dong and jack him off faster than Usain Bolt runs the 40.  I'm talking like you are getting in the best Shake Weight workout you could possibly imagine.  Just make sure you get everything.  I'm talking his shaft, dick hole, nut sack...shit, rub that shit on his taint and asshole if you want to.  Men can deny it but, we like our assholes to be tickled once in a while.  Within 1 minute of giving his cock the ultimate rub down, he's gonna question a few things: 1) Why does his dick, balls and asshole feel like someone put it in a meat locker, 2) Did you decide to pound a whole bottle Tabasco sauce before sucking his meat stick...his dick feels like it has been flame broiled, 3) He knew he should have wore a condom when he went to TJ...something is really fucking wrong down there, 4) Are you working on a new technique because he's never felt this pain before, 5) Is it even safe to open his eyes?!

I would imagine getting your dick doused in Icy Hot is worse than catching three STD's at once.  A man's dick is something you shouldn't fuck with.  I mean, could you imagine someone massaging that shit on your vagina?  That would be the true meaning of a Hot Cake, right?  Just  make sure when you do this, you look at him...smile and tell him you'll turn on the shower for him.  What he doesn't know is that his dick will be fucked up for at least 2 days.  Oh, and if you do put that shit in his dick hole, be weary of the fact that it might be painful for him to take a piss.  He really didn't fuck any stripper in Tijuana.  This is my gift to you.   

Good luck and if you do this, take pictures.

Paybacks a Bitch,

J-Wunder 

P.S. - If you were wondering who that 17 year old kid was that farted so bad he could have killed a small herd of cattle...that was me.  No one ever paid me back for it, only because the smell was so bad, it gave everyone short term memory loss.  You're Welcome!