Advice Column: OMG! Is That Dad's Dick on FB?!

Dear J-Wunder,

Ok, so it is bad enough that most of our parents cannot work a computer.  But it's really bad when they can't work their new cell phone!  My dad just upgraded his phone to the Droid. 

The other night my phone rang at midnight and woke me up. It was my sister.  She said, "I need to tell you something, but I don't know how to say it."  I said, "Go ahead, you already woke my ass up."

She was coughing and gagging on the other line, and I was like, "What the fuck is going on?"  She said, "I didn't know who else to call, but I was on my facebook, and ummmm....dad posted a picture of his DICK on his wall!"

She said, "He needs to get that shit off there ASAP before people see it." Umm, isn't it bad enough that you just saw his junk?

We called our brother, who was also woken up.  He had no idea what the hell we were talking about, so he went to his computer and pulled up facebook...and there it was...dad's dong on a 32" monitor!  He started laughing his ass off, and then so did we...chain reaction of laughter....which woke up his wife...and she got to see the goods!

My brother ended up calling our dad to tell him....my dad was so clueless that he denyed it to the fullest. Said his computer must of have been hacked (even though it said "uploaded from DROID") under the pic.  Thankfully, it eventually got removed. Thank GOD.

Not a great thing to get woken up to......old people should not use the new technology...and they sure as shit should not send people pics of their junk!

Sincerely,
My Dad Sends Dick Pics



Dear My Dad Sends Dick Pics,

OMG!  Holy shit!  Wow! LMFAO!  LOL! WTF?! Seriously?  Really? What?  Un-fucking-real!!!!

I literally had to read your email about 20 times before I could even think about a response.  I have never laughed so hard in my fucking life.  Where do I begin?!  Where do I fucking end?! 

It's one thing that your dad took a dick pic.  It's another, that he posted that shit on his Facebook page as his new profile pic without even knowing it (so he says).  Accident or not, a dick pic is a dick pic, and your dad is part of this man trend that is apparently spreading like wild fire (if you don't know what I'm talking about, read my previous column, "Say Cheese").

The kicker here is that your poor fucking sister had to be the first to witness your dad's old ass cock on goddamn Facebook of all places.  There she is, at her computer, late at night.  Types in www.facebook.com, logs in and the News Feed loads up.  Up prompts, "J-Wunder and 6 other friends changed their profile pictures."  She notices one of the thumbnails is a picture of a friends cock.  "WTF?!  I need to see this."  With uncontrollable laughter, confusion and curiosity, she clicks on the thumbnail and up pops the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to her.  It's your dad's FB page and oh yeah, that's his fucking big ass cock plastered for the world to see.  Hard and veiny.  In his hand, ready to seduce that lucky lady he contacted on Craigslist two weeks ago.

The worst part is, under the mobile pic notes two things: 1) Uploaded from DROID, 2) A caption that probably reads: "Satisfaction Guaranteed!" Fucked up, I know right?  But you need to think about it.  Any man that sends a dick pic to someone, is looking for a damn good time.  And by the looks of things, your dad is a fuck machine.  God bless that man.  

So there's your sister, traumatized on what she has just witnessed.  Your dad's Facebook page with his fucking pink ass dick plastered for his friends to see.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, high school friends...you name it, anyone and everyone who is connected to this man now has access to something so unbelievable there is no way he could talk his way out of it. 

It was a good thing you and your sister decided to call your brother to have him inform your dad about posting his cock on his FB wall.  If anything, your bro possibly saved your pops from some form of fucking embarrassment.  However, nothing could be more fucked up than your sister, brother and sister in-law viewing your dad's dong on a 32" monitor on the biggest social networking site in the world.  I mean, how do you look at your dad the same way ever again?  I know he's your dad but, fuck.  That shit is just wrong dude.

You know if that were me, what I'd constantly be thinking about?  That my dad's dick is the dick that is about to go inside some woman's vagina I've met maybe twice.  What would possess my dad to pull down his pants, jack off, get hard, pull out his nifty new phone and take a picture of his cock, wrinkled ass balls and gray pubes?  He's obviously not new at this game if he's sending dick pics to lucky Lolita a few miles down the road, right?  Maybe he feels energized again.  New gal, new phone, new haircut...shit, "I'm gonna start taking pictures of my cock and send them out like a goddamn email chain" attitude.  Who knows...

What kills me though, is how he denied everything to your brother.  Lemme guess, the chick he intended to send his glamour shot dick pic to has a jealous EX-lover and he hacked into his account, posting someone's random cock as a profile pic to humiliate him, right?  Yeah, I've heard of many cases of jealous men hacking into other dudes accounts and posting random dicks as well.  C'mon...NOT!  Nice try big guy.  

Plain and simple, he got caught red handed thanks to the caption "Uploaded by DROID."  But do you wanna know how your pops really got caught?  It's quite simple actually.  Your brother probably noticed a few other things outside of your dad trying to pose for the cover of fucking Playgirl.  I'm talking about, I don't know, the 46" inch tv in the background that had your dad's favorite show, "Cops", playing.  How bout those Wolverine work boots to the left of his shit stained drawers that were chillin' by his ankles.  Oh, lets not forget about that picture of the man himself, Jesus, that hangs right by the television, that is basically staring directly at your dad's goods in the picture he took.  Lastly, the family photo of when you guys were kids just sitting on the coffee table.  All these things visible in the background while your dad's cock is in 3D ready to pounce on his lovely lady friend.  Could you blame your dad?  He didn't know.  He didn't know that simply taking a picture of his cock, accidentally posting it on Facebook would make your brother, sister and sister in-law play CSI: Miami for the night.  Nothing better than trying to solve the case of, "Is that Dad's dick on Facebook."  WTF?!

I get how older folks should have no goddamn business trying to operate computers, let alone highly advanced cell phones.  But let's not be fooled.  Your dad is a nifty motherfucker and he knows what he's doing.  He took a fucking picture of his cock for fuck's sake and tried to send it to a chick and failed miserably.  That's what happens when you get all excited about a piece of ass and don't read directions like Verizon told you to read when sending pics to people.

The only question I have really is, how long did your dad have his dick splattered all over his Facebook page before he took it down?  30 minutes?  3 hours?  Anyone and everyone is on Facebook at all hours of the night.  Ok, maybe grandma Ethel didn't get to see how her son has developed over the years.  Maybe cousin Cindy did.  This won't be the last of your dad and those infamous dick pics.  As long as the chick he's fucking loves them, he'll keep sending.     

It could be worse...he could have taken a picture of his cock while holding a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll and said, "Come to daddy" and accidentally messaged it to you.  Now, talk about fucking awkward.

All Dicks Are Alike (unless that shit has warts),

J-Wunder