Advice Column: Money Can't Fix Ugly

Dear J-Wunder,

I have a good friend that thinks she's super HOT and the SHIT.  The only thing that matters to her are the most expensive clothes, shoes, purses, etc.  Its gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around her.  To be honest, she's not that cute (well, she's ugly actually) and has a job that doesn't pay well.  I make more money than her and am nothing like that.  What gives with these people that act like something they aren't.  Help me understand.

Thanks,
Money Isn't Everything


Advice from J-Wunder:

Dear Money Isn't Everything,

You can't fix ugly.  That's real fucking talk.  If there is one thing I hate about people these days is the fact that they try to live a life style they can't fucking afford.  On top of that, they act like they can.  From the nice fucking clothes, to the 10 designer handbags they own, to the lavish dinners...these mother fuckers are putting on a front.  Don't be fooled.  You and I both know that front desk job they have, barely pays them $35K a year.  No mother fucker I know can buy shit off that salary, I'll tell you that.  But thanks to dozens of credit cards and deep pockets mommy and daddy have, your good friend thinks she rules the fucking world.  And with that kind of attitude, comes this idea that she is hot shit and every man wants her and every women wants to be her.

Reality check bitch...like I said in my opening line, you can't fix ugly.  All the nice clothes, shoes, and make-up can't fix the train wreck you call a pretty face and pompous attitude.  You think your $200 designer shirt with that big ass flower attached is cute and fashionable?  Bitch, you look like a goddamn walking house plant.  That's some shit my mom would wear back in 1960 then get her ass whooped for showing her face for wearing something so atrocious.   

Oh, lets not forget about those 6 inch heels you wear to work everyday.  Last time I checked, you work behind a fucking desk for 8 goddamn hours and not at the Crazy Horse...who on earth is going to see your feet?  That's right, the ten geriatrics you see in the parking lot at 5pm everyday when you leave the office right?

How bout all that make-up caked on your face too, huh?  You are MAC's best client.  FYI - if I wanted to see a fucking clown, I would go to the circus.  Shit ain't right when your face and neck color don't even match.  Orange ass face with a white ass neck.  Looking like a goddamn Creamsicle for fuck's sake.  If your ass is ugly with make-up on, what the fuck do you look like with it off?  Ouch!         

I'm confused how all of this gives someone the confidence that they're super hot.  I mean, really.  Men aren't talking to you because they like you.  You know why men are talking to you at a bar as you sip on that $18 cocktail you call a drink?  They are talking to your ugly ass because they want to steal your clothes, Gucci purse and wallet and leave you butt ass naked in a dark alley.  While you blab your fucking ass off to these douchebags about how "high class" your life is, they are plotting away on how to take everything you have.  You of all people choose to be "picky" with men.  Wow!  Did you forget the last time you got laid was when you were a Senior in high school?  And that's only because one of the guys on the football team lost a bet to one of his buddies.  You're 28 now.  That kinda means you're a virgin all over again.  Not by fucking accident either.

Mr. Super Model isn't gonna come cruising through that door, sweep you off your feet and ask you if you would like to fuck at his mansion.  Hell noooo!  Big ass Bubba is gonna come in, spill a drink on you, then proceed to ask if you like it in the ass.  That's how money you are sweet tits.  You get dip shits like Bubba coming your way because ugly mother fuckers are attracted to ugly mother fuckers.
    
Don't get it twisted.  Your shit stinks.  A lot.  You're a grown ass individual who drives a 1998 Honda Civic and lives in their grandmother's guest house.  You are up to your ears in debt and hope one day you find a sugar daddy that will take care of you.  That, or, you get picked up from a modeling agency that accepts people that look like goddamn wolverines.  Whatever the case, the world you live in is a fucking joke and is bogus.  

My fellow reader, this is who your friend is.  How you've hung out with her for so long, shocks the living shit out of me.  Do yourself a favor, find a friend that actually has some sort of value.  I would rather hang out with a slutty bitch that at least bangs dudes and hooks you up with cock once in a while than with some fake ass bitch that thinks she's something she's really not.  For reals.    

 Sincerely,

J-Wunder