Advice Column: Heat Rises

Dear J-Wunder,

My husband's wondering why we haven't had sex for days. Maybe b/c an hour before bed time, he decides to eat a block of cheese, get into bed, then proceed to fart his ass off while then, wafting the blanking in my direction. Do you know what it smells like when someone eats that much cheese, farts, then waves it in your face? It smells like shit! Like someone sat on my face, pulled down their pants, and took a dump on my nose. And he wants to know why we aren't getting our "sexual healing" on? Help because his ass can't help himself.

Sincerely,
Disgusted in Detroit




Dear Disgusted in Detroit,

What you have experienced, I'm sure other people in your position have experienced. It's called the Hot Pocket.

I define it as:

"Farting uncontrollably under the covers several times and building up stench and extra heat. When your lady/man gets into bed and gets comfortable, in one waving motion, you waft that pocket of smelly asshole and heat in their direction (most notably the face), and let him/her enjoy the stench of your ass gas for approximately 30 seconds or until he/she gags violently."

Don't get this definition confused with the Dutch Oven.  That shit is worse and could get somebody killed.  

I too have been a victim of this crime, and I know how you feel. The nausea, the constant gagging, the feeling as if someone really shat on your face.  I've been to your world and it's not fucking fun. At.All. Try lying in bed with someone that just got done eating a burrito from a place called Chili Peppers and had a prior night of drinking White Russians.  Ever have your nose hairs singed off?  Well, I have.  And it wasn't from a fucking fire either.   It was from ass.  Straight up, dirty, smelly asshole.  Lets not forget to mention the constant watery eyes I had for over an hour.  They weren't tears of joy.  They were tears of pure disgust and pain. 

You want to talk about what man would do such a thing?  How bout a fucking woman doing that shit?  The one and only time it happened to me, I was in college.  It was a Saturday.  I was beyond hungover.  Like curled in a ball, hungover.  My girl at the time cruised over so she could be hungover with me.  We didn't move.  Just sat in front of the television like zombies watching "Dude Where's My Car" and "American Pie" over and over again.  I guess that's what a keg of Red Dog, a plastic bottle of tequila and White Russians will do to you.  Top that off with eating a big ass dirty burrito to try to kill the hangover...Game Over.  

I won't bore you with everything that happened in between, so I'll get to the part where I was hit with the Hot Pocket.  Fast forward to bed time...

There was my girl.  Lying in bed.  Keeping the bed nice and warm before I jump right in.  I brush my teeth and take a leak in hopes that I'm gonna have some serious hangover sex since whatever I've done to try to cure it, isn't working.  One thing you must all realize...boning cures everything.  Trust me.

I get onto my side of the bed and notice that my girl has covered herself in a bubble shape under the covers.  Basically like a pea in a pod.  I have this look like, "Are you fucking kidding me right now?  Take those covers off because I'm about to pound your shit like I'm tenderizing meat baby."  Before I attempt to get butt ass naked to start my 10 minutes of hangover sex, I move in her direction to give her a kiss.  All of the sudden, she lifts the blanket the length of her arm and vigorously starts fanning the wind in my face.  What unleashed was something that Jesus himself has never experienced.  Not even the fucking aliens in the movie "Aliens."

I have smelled some things in my lifetime.  From dead animals to a filled up Port-A-Potty.  But nothing, I mean nothing was worse than this.  How could a woman's small intestine produce something so rancid and earth shattering?  How could a woman so fine hit you with so much gas that you begin to convulse and start foaming at the fucking mouth like a dog with rabies?  How could a woman so normal (I thought) fart so bad that it can make a human being start to hallucinate and react as if they have been sprayed with mace, pepper spray, rubbing alcohol and Aqua Net all at the same time?  This woman did and I was the victim of such a fuck up hideous act.

To a lot of folks, this is hilarious.  But to the ones that have experienced it, it's no laughing matter.  I stopped talking to that chick.  Not because she gave me a Hot Pocket.  But because I never thought someone could produce something so fucking disgusting from the inner linings of their stomach and not say sorry. Could you imagine what her shit must have smelled like in the toilet?  Look, I get that people fart and take dumps but fuck man...that shit did not come from something human.  Hell, it didn't even come from an animal.  It was beyond alien-like.

What your husband did was really fucked up.  If what you experienced was like mine, you need to do one of the following:

1) Divorce him.
2) Tell him to sleep on the couch...FOREVER.
3) Never have sex with him and have sex with other men.
4) Forgive him and tell him to never do it again (which you know won't happen), then have sex.
5) Let him know how it feels and when he's sleeping, go for broke, eat every possible dairy product known to man and when it's time...shit on his chest.

Disgusting, I know.  But trust me...if you do that, he'll never fuck with you again.  And if anything, you just laid down the mother fucking law and showed him who's boss.  You're welcome. 

Be cruel.  Shit on a fool.

Sincerely,

J-Wunder