Advice Column: The Hater in Haystack

J-Wunder gave me the honor to respond to this advice column since he thought a woman would do a better job reaching out to another female.  Thanks fuck face.  See below for how bitter one person can be on so many topics.  Enjoy!

Dear J-Wunder,

I often am looked at as a very bubbly spirit, who, like a ray of sunshine - illuminates a room upon entry. I rarely have a cross word to say about someone, and often look at the positive side. That being said, I would like to take a moment to express some totally and utterly bothersome annoyances that I have been dealing with as of late. I only unload these gripes with you in the hopes that writing them out will make me feel better. My friends are noticing my glow has dimmed, and are concerned about my well-being. Do you think you can help me? Take a listen - let me know what you think!

Alright, Little Miss Ray of Sunshine, although you say that you often look at the positive side, after reading your gripes, my first piece of advice is that you need to embrace your inner hater. Despite your outward-facing “bubbly spirit” you’re clearly just like the rest of us, a negative person. Get over it. Trust me, I’ve done the same thing.  Because you have several issues you want to discuss, I am going to address things one at a time.

1) People who type like tHi$. Look at how much effort that takes! It took me a good five seconds just to find the dollar sign for my S, let alone alternate caps and lower for every freakin letter. How about you put that energy into something more productive and LESS annoying. Find a job maybe, or a hobby.... use that as an outlet - and LEARN TO WRITE NORMALLY.

First thing to @ddRe$$, people who type like they have a claw for one hand and their other is down their pants. It drives me fucking insane, too. My guess is that they are doing it for one of two reasons:

1)    Maybe they are trying to disguise a cuss word. I don’t understand this it’s not like we don’t know what the FUCK you’re saying, you @$$ clown.  Regardless of what letters you use, we all still know that you’re saying something naughty.

2)    You’re a 12-year-old girl (or think like one). Plain and simple, they think it’s cute, because butchering the English language is awesome, right? They think it shows personality and uniqueness. In all reality, especially over text messages, they make themselves look dumber and blonder because it takes 4x as long to type it out.

My advice is that you start typing as ridiculously as they do… if you get an email, Facebook post or text message using this ridiculous form of lettering, respond just like this “lksd fniyweghri onagaij sdkjfna uhguia” tell them you’ll decode your words when they decode theirs and stop typing like a moron.


2) Disgusting habits of both men and women. (Particularly men). I have a friend who works construction, and he recently addressed something that even he was grossed out by. He went to use a porta-potty on the site and someone had pooped all over the toilet. No 4 year olds work there... all grown ass men. WHAT makes someone think it's okay to behave that way? Similarly- this goes to women who urinate on toilet seats. HOW does that happen??? Do you hover? If so, please don't be a douche and leave your pee that missed the toilet all over for someone else to sit on or clean. WIPE THAT MESS. It's disgusting. Be respectful of everyone else around you and stop acting like someone who needs be in a mental institution.

Wow, to those who are bathroom and hygienically challenged: what in fuck’s sake is wrong with you?? Hater in Haystack, you’ve nailed it, these people need to stop acting like someone who needs to be put in a mental institution. It could be a fucking bowel control problem, but I’m guessing the problems are rooted a bit deeper. Like back to potty training days and your parents singing the poop song to you (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about). Maybe you were traumatized by something, maybe your parents didn’t teach you how to clean up after yourself properly, but all I know is that something is fucking wrong with you. If you ever catch someone in the act (i.e., walk into the bathroom after them) you need to make a public display of this abomination of respect. Snap a picture of their face and then a picture of their “mess” and post that shit (literally) all over the Internet. Even better, tag them in the pictures. Bottom line, THERE IS NO EXCUSE for this behavior.


3) People who are just generally needy, clingy and or stalker-esque. Men who can't be MEN. Stop being so damn sensitive. Stop calling every 5 minutes because you miss my voice. Stop thinking something BAD has happened to me just because I haven't responded to your 15 texts (see gripe number one)... Sometimes, people are just busy. Sometimes, people don't have TIME for you. Being needy, constantly needing approval or acknowledgment, and being overly sensitive is NOT attractive. No one likes someone who is constantly emotional, cries at the drop of a hat, and NEEDS TO BE WITH YOU at all times. PERSONAL bubble people.... respect my space. Please and thanks.

Wow… talk about one of the BIGGEST turn-offs ever. Women want Men, not chicks disguised in a man’s body. If we wanted dudes that acted like they had no balls, we’d be lesbians… Trust me. Put yourself back in your own shoes, I know that all men have encountered the “clingy girl” and know how awful and annoying it is. Don’t be that girl, it’s not attractive. This reminds me of one of my personal favorite posts by J-Wunder, a wonder Craigslist find entitled “Just Fucking Fuck Me, Already” for those who haven’t read it, it’s definitely worth your time (especially you “Men” out there). This post is a reminder that girls want a man IN and OUT of bed:

Just Fucking Fuck Me, Already

So there you have it Hater in Haystack, all of your deepest questions have been answered.  All I have to say is, You're Welcome.

Sincerely,
Ball Buster