My Trip to Target

I love Target.  I don't know how many times I walk into that place with a short list and come out with more fucking items than I can afford.  How can you not though when that place is fucking awesome, right?  Let me tell you folks about my trip there this morning.  There were a series of events that made this shopping trip worth writing about.  It definitely had me teary-eyed at one point b/c shit like this only happens to me.  Here we go...

The Masterbator: There I was taking a 3 pound dump in the Target restroom, minding my own business, when I start to here skin clapping at an increasing rate and the sounds, "oooohhhh, aaaah, uuummmmm...".  Someone is jerking off in the stall next to me?!  Who the fuck makes those noises when they take a piss or a shit?  Unless that dude has gonorrhea and is shooting flames out of his cock or is taking his first shit in 3 months, then yeah, maybe those noises are justified.  But when I look down and see this dudes feet buried in the corner, I'm assuming this guy is definitely jacking off.  The whole time I was taking a shit, there he was, stroking his dong in the stall next to me, yanking away at lighting speeds with his noises getting a little more intense.  At one point, Pervert Magee was going so fast that it sounded like he was going to rip his dick off, slap his face around with it, then flush it down the toilet or something.  Lucky for me, my shit came out with great fury and I was done before dick job next to me could blow his load.

The Candle-holic: Candles are cool.  They set a mood.  They look nice.  Some candles even smell amazing.  But when you're standing behind someone for 20 goddamn minutes that is about to buy 100 mother fucking candles, that shit ain't funny.  It's actually scary.  How scary?  Try noticing that Candle Woman just bought $215 worth of candles for 50% off.  Who on fucking Mother Earth buys that many candles?  I don't give a shit how big the sale is.  215 dollars worth?!  Acutally, over $400 worth?!  You serious?  Two things got me thinking: 1) Is this bitch Satanic, 2) Is the storm that is coming this weekend, "THE BIG ONE"?  Who fucking knows.  All I know is that I have never seen someone buy that much of one product in my fucking life!

Say Again Checker: Look, I understand Equal Employment Opportunity, I do.  But for fucks sake, if your ass gets hired, learn how to fucking talk.  It's bad enough I had to deal with a guy masterbating in the fucking bathroom while I was trying to take a shit in peace and stand behind a candle hoarder for 20 damn minutes while she got all moist on the amazing deal she received on the 1,000 duplicated candles she bought.  "Errbudy, dee ckstam ish o-pen at dee snkbur..."  What the fuck just came out of your mouth lady?  I'm trying to purchase my shit and get out of here and you keep leaving your post to announce to the 20 people behind me something about something.  No one understands what the fuck you're saying.  What the fuck is a snkbur?  How do you spell that?  "Hehe, tht ish da car?"  What the fuck?  Are you asking me "what card?"  You aren't even done ringing up my shit.  Are you offering me a deal of some sort?  Talk to me.  Please.  I'll sit here all day just so I can make sense of what you're telling me.

I finally got out of there without losing my cool.  It's never like this when I go to Target.  I swear.  But then again, I haven't been to this Target at 10am...on a Thursday...with all those weird fucking people.