My Homeboy, B

I had a dream last night.  My boy, B, was in it.  I think it was a sign.  A sign to write a blog post about this crazy sonofabitch.  I have friends, but none quite like this guy.  If someone asked me, "If you could think of one person in your life that stood out, who would it be?  "Yeah, it's definitely this fucking dude.  Here's why:

- He's the only person in college to own a duck (AC) and a cat (OJ) as pets.

- In college, I never saw him lose a game of ping pong.  In FIVE years.  

- For a friends 21st birthday, he bought 30 "Adios Mother Fucker's" at once. There was only 6 of us.

- He told me we shouldn't ever feel bad that a homeless guy is buying rounds of beer for us.  "He's a grown ass man and we're still in college.  Let him buy us whatever he wants.  We deserve it."  He's fucking homeless bro.  

- He's been to the drunk tank so much that his 1st cousin (who works at the county jail), never acknowledged him once.

- One night in the drunk tank, he and another buddy took a whole roll of toilet paper, wrapped it around their heads and started calling themselves terrorists.  The toilet paper was then taken away from them.  When he took a shit and realized he didn't have any TP, the cops told him to wipe his ass with his socks.  He did. 

- His idea of a good date night is a steak dinner, booze and lots of fucking with a porno playing in the background.  True story.  

- In 2000, we were in Vegas and he refused to leave the strip club until he got a lap dance from the stripper with the biggest tits.  He left 3 hours later covered in glitter, the scent of coconut, happy and broke.

- He's been known to always order a DOUBLE Long Island.  How the fuck is that possible?

- I was complaining about something when we were wasted and his response was a punch to my face and the words, "Shut up pussy."

- He's the only guy to lie on his resume about being an accountant.  Just so he could work for the biggest porn store in San Diego.  He got the job and got promoted to a higher position 8 months later.  Buying porn.  

- He's the only person that can say, "If you want to take ecstasy or shrooms, do it only with me" and you actually feel reassured about possibly doing drugs.  

- At a bar, we got into it with 2 other guys.  Instead of punching the guy he was nose to nose with, he called him a pussy, then punched his friend that was standing next to him. 

- He's actually fought our buddy at a bar.  The same bar.  Three times.  They're still friends til this day.  

- He's been cut off from a bartender in 20 minutes time for drinking too many drinks, too fast.  I have never heard of that.  EVER. 

- Freshman year in the dorms, he had sex with a girl on the 5th floor, only to go down to the first floor to have sex with another girl 45 minutes later.  

- When he asks, "What are you doing later?"  That always means, "Lets drive to Vegas."  We did.  Every.Time.

- He collected soooo many porno's from work, that our buddy John would come over to his house with a trash bag to rent movies.  A trash bag people.  

- He believes RC Cola is the best soda in the world.  In a close second, TAB.  Does that shit still exist?

- When we go to a bar, he scans the floor and usually says, "I'm taking her home tonight."  She's usually naked at his place within two hours of our arrival. 

- He's apparently been married for years.  Married to the G-A-M-E.  

- His idea of church is watching Joel Osteen on t.v. after having sex.  

- His drink of choice is Tequila.  Bottom shelf.  In a plastic bottle.  No joke.  

- His favorite word.  Slut.

This is my homeboy, B.  The funniest and craziest mother fucker I will ever run across.  Probably in my lifetime.  I haven't hung out with him in awhile.  Maybe I should give him a call.