Mount Gay - A Barf Story

This isn't your typical run-of-the-mill story.  This is a flashback that has haunted me for years. 10 years to be exact. 2 roommates, one shot, and a packed bar/restaurant in San Luis Obispo, CA.  Every year around this time, something reminds me of this awful night my junior year in college.

It was early, probably about 8pm on a Friday night. A group of guys went to Madison's and I decided to hit up my spot, Hudson's. About an hour passes and for some reason, everyone came back feeling pretty good except my roommate Chris. Was he drunk? No. He was just buzzed...really, really fucking buzzed. Ok, call it border-line drunk. The place is packed and my friends and I take over the bar. Keep in mind, everyone is either buzzed or drunk (ok, maybe only Chris), and I've only had maybe one 22oz of that delicious Budweiser. I'll get to the point before I bore everyone to death and I start getting hate mail...

A conversation comes up about the weird names of the bottles that are at the bar (for instance, Tequila Monster - it's a Tequila Schnapp's...WTF) and all of the sudden we notice this bottle of Mount Gay Rum. We're a bunch of college jerkoffs and we didn't really know that Mount Gay Rum actually was tastey. We were just cracking up at the fact that someone would actually call this rum, Mount Gay, so we decide to buy my drunk roomie, Chris, a gay shot (BTW - I have nothing against the gay community, it just so happens that the rum is called Mount Gay. I love gay people...but not in a gay way, that's all)! But I digress...

Fast forward...

Chris finally takes this shot but really struggles. I mean, shit is leaking out the sides of his mouth and his eyes are watering at this point. And from what we can tell, he probably only downed half. We all get a good laugh and start giving the guy shit! I need to take a leak so I say to everyone, "Hey, I gotta take a leak, so pound your drinks and we'll head out to another bar when I get back." I get out of my seat, push in my chair next to my buddy Jack (he's sitting to my right), take one step towards the bathroom and all of the fucking sudden, Chris just unleashes the god awful fury on my face, head and body! The son of a bitch was standing behind Jack and waits for me to walk 6 inches in front of him to start puking. Chaos breaks out from there...

The puking is so fucking violent and loud that 5 things happen all at once:

1 - Customers that are enjoying their lovely dinners (some were probably on a first date, looks like those poor bastards didn't get laid that night) are fucking screaming bloody murder at my roommate to stop. Seriously, if anyone can stop in mid-puke, I'll give you 3 fucking dollars right now!

2 - The puke that's slapping my face, head and body, ricochet off Jack's back and onto the bartender's (Pete) neck. Poor fucking guy had to wear his work shirt for the rest of the night I bet.

3 - My friends are laughing their fucking asses off the whole time I'm getting spewed on. These sons of bitches said the best part about this was it looked like it was in slow motion...Fuck you guys for laughing! Friends don't treat friends like that.

4 - The restaurant manager (who by the way looks like Large Marge from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure) is screaming at Chris to stop puking on my face and asking her staff to get a mop ready.

5 - I'm taking it all in. Every fucking single piece of puke. This shit is coming from all different directions. If I could describe what carrots felt like hitting your face when it blasted from the depths of someone elses large intestine, I would. I'm also thinking, "Looks like that chick I've been giving the googly eye to since I got here, might not want my number now." Lets not forget to mention the chance on the piece of ass I was hoping to get this very night, just went from a solid 92.76% to a very pathetic, -63.89%.

This bastard probably pukes for a good 25-35 seconds (that's a long fucking time when you are getting thrown up on) all over me. I don't move and just let him go to town on my face, head and body (all 6 inches away). He finally stops, and everyone is silent waiting for me to say something...anything! I open my mouth and just yell the words, "MY ROOMMATE JUST THREW UP ON MY FUCKING FACE! MY ROOMMATE JUST THREW UP ON MY FUCKING HEAD AND BODY!" I dart to the bathroom and at this point I'm trying not to throw up. I smell like something you would catch on your feet in Tijuana, and I am speechless on what just happened. Drunk ass Chris walks in the bathroom, looks at me and says (I kid you fucking not), "Bro, if I had to throw up on anyone, I'm glad I threw up on you bro! Don't worry, I ate veggies and filet mignon tonight." Are you fucking kidding me?! "I ate fucking veggies and filet mignon tonight?" I'm about to throw up in this dudes mouth and he's so fucking drunk that he has no clue what just went down. And that's what you came to tell me you fucking cock smoker?!

15 minutes fly by and I get as clean as I possibly can. I seriously try to walk out of the bathroom all cool and shit but it's not working. Every single eyeball followed me from the bathroom back to my chair. The fucking place looked like a murder scene and everyone just witnessed a killing on my face, head and upper torso! We bounce out and the last 2 things I remember were this:

1 - My buddy Ben lights a cigarette, takes a hit, looks at me and just starts fucking yacking across the street (still holding his cigarette in hand too). His only words were, "Bro, you smell like fucking shit, you pussy!"

2 - Me taking a 45 minute shower, and using 10 Q-Tips to clean out my right ear.

Fuck My Life on that sad ass day in San Luis Obispo, CA circa 2000...