The Man They Call Johnnie 5

He was known as the funniest, and craziest mother fucker to ever live.  Seriously.  I don't want to tell you a story about him.  I'm just going to make a lists of things of who exactly Johnnie 5 is.  So without further adieu...

- He uses Clorox to clean everything.  Even his own skin.

- His vocabulary and phrases consists of, "Yeah right lady...," "Mudapucka," "Asshole," "And everything like that...," "You wanna cry...," "Aaaahh bullshit..., " and "Cocksucker"

- He's the only human being to put a lemon in a 40 of King Kobra malt liquor and say it's refreshing. 

- Sal, the mailman, drinks a 6-pack with him in the garage before he starts his mail route.  When he's finished, they drink six more. 

- His idea of going to church is watching Billy Graham on Sunday mornings.  He's Catholic.

- He once broke his ankle climbing a tree in flip flops attempting to steal oranges from the neighbors tree.  The man was almost 60.  Denying any type of pain, he walked on this completely broken ankle for 3 weeks.  Then it turned purple and all the colors of the rainbow, so he finally got surgery with pins and rods inserted.  2 weeks later, he took a handsaw and sawed off the cast because, "his fucking leg was itchy as shit."

- The cure for anything is Tequila, Vodka, Whiskey then Rum.  All in that order.  All shots.

- He's the only person to store his gun collection in the following places: The rice dispenser, dishwasher, freezer and towel drawer. 

- In 1989, he was wasted and passed out.  His 5 children decided to fuck with him by hog tying him under the dinner table while leaving shards of chocolate chip cookies in his ass crack with squirts of yellow mustard as a topper.  The very next day, he did't say a thing.  Neither did his 5 kids. 

- He's the only man that will watch a preview of a new movie on t.v., then convince you he's seen it already.  If you try to tell him differently, your ass gets slapped.

- He's so intimidating, that when he breathes, people have cried.  True story.

- His idea of eating fish is Sardines and Mackerel.

- His kids were always the first to arrive at school.  Before the teachers.  Before the janitors.  Before the fucking sun came up.

- For field trips, he would pack his kids a brown paper bag full of food.  In it contained the following items: 2 large bags of chips, 2 bologna sandwiches, 2 sodas, 2 cupcakes, 2 candy bars.  They were the only kids on the bus that looked like they went grocery shopping at Food 4 Less. 

- He tried to escape the hospital once.  Hospital gown, IV, medical records.  All in his possession. 

- He once found a dead deer on the side of the road.  He brought it home then skinned it in the patio.  With a razor blade. 

This man is crazy.  This man is my dad.  He's dead now but he's in a better place. 

So if you're wondering who the fuck would raise a guy like me.  They call him Johnnie 5.