Facebook Confessions: He's Up To Something

Dear J-Wunder,

I have a bone to pick with my man.  He constantly denies my friend request on Facebook and I'm his freaking girlfriend.  We've been dating for almost a year and til this day, he won't be friends with me.  Does he have something to hide?  When we argue, it's usually about this.  Can I trust him?  Help so I don't assume the worst.

Sincerely,
He's Up to Something




Dear He's Up to Something,

I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible.  Your man...he's up to fucking something.  No doubt woman.  You've been together for almost one year and he's flat out DENIED your friend request on FB.  If that doesn't tell you that he's hiding something, then you're a fucking idiot.  The dude is trying to be sly.  The funny thing is, he ain't fooling anyone.  Maybe your ass, but no one else.  Denying you access to him on Facebook denies you access to all the other pieces of ass and gems he has hiding.  Can you trust him?  You should trust his ass like you trust someone that has contracted herpes.  You tell me if you should trust him?

Don't be that bimbo.  Please.  It's fucking Facebook, so what the fuck does he have to hide?  Obviously too much since you've been denied friend access for almost 12 months now.  Are you really that fucking dumb, seriously?  I don't want to turn this into a Dr. Phil episode but you do realize that what's going on right now is making you look like a complete ass.  Your man is banging someone.  What am I talking about.  He's probably banging multiple someones.  Shit, he's probably dating other chicks on top of you, doing the same shit, having his way.  He's doing what players do.  Actually, he's doing what "so-called" players do.  When in reality, smart players don't do this shit.  Matter of fact, real players, including women, that play the game don't even have a fucking Facebook.  That shit is a "Death Trap" to them.  You can't trace something that never existed, right?   

I'm not a fan of invading other peoples privacy.  If you trust them enough, they'll budge and let you see what you think they were hiding.  Case closed, you end up feeling dumb, you kiss, have make-up sex and the conversation never gets brought up again.  Yay for bullshit drama. 

In your case, it's only Facebook.  A Social fucking Network.  So invade the fuck away because your man is hiding something for sure.  What could it be?  I don't fucking know.  I'm not a psychic.  It could be a number of things.  Bitches he's boning.  Maybe he likes dudes.  He's a drug dealer.  I don't know.  But if I was a betting man, I would say he's hiding other chicks from you.  Facebook is the new fucking Rolodex or Black Book for some people which includes your slap dick of a boyfriend.   

All I know is that you're hanging around like flies on horse shit and letting the guy get away with a "hit that ass and run" crime.  But you know what, good for him because you're playing the card he wants you to play.  Think about it.  Say he is hooking up with other chicks.  And he's done that for a year.  That means, your vagina has touched 3 or more other vaginas.  Your mouth has touched 3 or more other mouths...oh, and vaginas.  Put the pieces together lady.  That isn't a yeast infection you got a month ago.  It's called an STD.  And NO, just eating yogurt once a day won't cure it.  The sheets weren't dirty that caused you to get what you described as "lice of the pubes."  That's called krabs.  Your man gave that to you.  You can thank the skank he banged in the alley way near your favorite Irish Pub for that.

If you keep going on at this rate, your vagina will no longer be accepted by other men or women let alone good enough to put a dildo to use.  Your man is living the dream.  Crush that dream, give him a mean paper cut to the nut sack and move on.  Oh, if you really do have an STD or Krabs, please get that shit checked out.  That's really fucking disgusting. 

Sincerely,

J-Wunder