Advice Column: Dr. Dry Spell

Dear J-Wun,

My husband has lost all interest in sex. I've been given the advice that I should send him to a doctor. My problem, he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Sincerely,
Dr. Phil can't even help me




Dear Dr. Phil can't even help me,

I ain't gonna lie.  I'm fucking speechless.  I'm a dude, and you know what dudes like?  Sex.  Even gay dudes dig it.  Hell, old ass dudes with wrinkled ass balls, that still get hard-ons dig it.  I don't want to concentrate too much on the fact that your husband is a doctor.  Only because there is a good chance he's a fucking podiatrist and not a cockologist, and being a doctor doesn't necessarily make you an expert in every field of medicine.  What I'm about to list, you may not agree with, but I think it will help you figure out possible problems or issues with your sex life.  Here they are:

- He can't get a boner and he's too embarrassed to tell you (this happens and basically, it fucking sucks to be you)

- He likes dudes.  Somewhere down the road you did something wrong during sexual intercourse and it basically turned him off YOU, and women completely, and he wants to try some sausage now (again, sucks to be you).

- The stuff he wanted to experiment with you in bed, didn't fly with you, so as punishment, he doesn't want to bone you. So now, he takes those fantasies to the nearest strip club where he pays "Candy" a large sum of money to do whatever he wants.

- He's smashing another chick (could possibly be a co-worker, patient or a stripper/prostitute).  Plain.And.Simple.

- He's A-Sexual like Ryan Seacrest.  Don't be fooled by the story of him and that hot broad from "Dancing with the Stars" dating.  I mean, could you picture Ryan Seacrest having sex, let alone making out with some hot chick?  Thought so.

- Lastly, you may not be getting "juiced" up enough and it hurts his weiner every time he sticks it to ya.  I know you think I'm crazy but I'm just putting it out there.  This is only the case if you aren't using lube which I hope you are.  Then again, if you aren't into anything but a "missionary position" you might be clueless as to what lube is.  

Again, it really does suck to be you because while any of these things could be happening, you sit there with your vibrator/dildo/fake vibrating finger ma-bober and pleasure yourself.  I know...it's not cool.  I think the only way to solve your sexual frustrations are to maybe bone another dude or flat out ask your hubby how come he's not giving up the goods.  Better yet, while he's sleeping, give him dome (that's a blowjob for you naive people out there) and that should answer all your questions and possible doubts.  Two words:  You're Welcome!

Sincerely,

J-Wunder