Advice Column: Bachelor Party Promise Land

Dear J-Wunder,

As the best man for my buddy getting married, it is approaching the time to start planning his bachelor party. After careering the first bachelor party I planned in San Diego, I am feeling reprehension that such heights cannot be achieved again. I was hoping that you could give me some words of wisdom on how to choose the best location and a few suggestions that might have been previously overlooked. Events in the area or hotspots to hit would also be helpful. Here are the details; looking at about 10 people, so not a huge group. The trip will be in July or August. SF (too close to home), Vegas (don't want to follow some of our other friends footsteps), LA (because LA sucks) have all been ruled out. So where should our party of excess drinking and searching for scantily clad sloots end up?

Regards,
Needs a Map


Advice from J-Wunder:

Dear Needs a Map,

I saw the words "bachelor party," "excess drinking," "scantily clad sloots" and the biggest fucking light bulb popped in my head.  So big that it actually gave me a chubby.  If there is one thing I know and am an expert at, it's mother fucking bachelor parties.  The ultimate party for any man, is a bachelor party.  Whether you're single, in a relationship or married, you need to understand that a bachelor party is an event that is holier than Vatican fucking City.

To plan the ultimate bachelor party, ALWAYS consider the following:

1) Attendees:  Every guy that goes to a bachelor party needs to understand that the main goal is to have fun.  What "fun" means to the group, is up to the group.  So if that means getting a few strippers and paying a few hundred dollars to fuck their brains out in the bathroom while eating a hostess fucking cupcake off their vagina's, then so be it.  People love to do weird shit with strippers sometimes.

The best bachelor parties are the ones you barely remember.  Just make sure that the guys who are in relationships or married, make that ONE phone call upon arriving at your destination, then burn their fucking phones or throw that shit in the ocean immediately.  Look, it's a bachelor party.  The last thing anyone needs to hear is the oogly, googly bullshit conversation your buddy is having with his girl.  Don't try to act like "the guys are just going to the beach then going to a nice dinner."  Fuck that shit.  You think your girl is stupid?  She knows you and your perverted ass friends are going to get fucking drunk, see some titties, go to the club then cause a scene at the nearest Denny's on the late night.  Stop trying to act like the angel.  If that happens, send that guy packing and tell him to grow a cock.  It's a bachelor party, not 6th grade fucking space camp. 

2) Location: San Diego and Vegas are great places.  You can't beat sand, gambling, booze and hot bitches 12 months out of the year.  But since you want to mix it up, how do you determine a good location?  Simple.  Weather, beach, downtown area, demographics, most popular city.  July and August are hot months in a majority of places.  Hot weather equals two things.  1) Excessive drinking, 2) Chicks in minimal clothing.  Put those two together and you get scantily clad sloots wanting to slip and slide on that ding-a-ling my friend.  Like I always say, location, location, location.  Ain't no one trying to celebrate their fucking bachelor party in Bakersfield, CA so if ideas like that get mentioned, punch that fucking friend in the face and call them a pussy.  Then spit on them.  Matter of fact, they shouldn't be able to talk the rest of the bachelor party trip.  

3) Accommodations: Wherever you end up going, accommodations are always important.  For 10 dudes, the hotel route is not the best way to go.  Unless you have no choice.  And if you have no choice, you are always limited to what you can do in a hotel room.  Trust me, I've tried some pretty ridiculous shit and got escorted from a hotel like that!  The BEST option is always a house.  Why?  Because the number of things you can do in a house.  One of them being, throwing a crackin' ass party in a bad mother fucking house.  Another is inviting over multiple strippers.  And if not strippers, drunk chicks that are looking to bang you and your buddies like it's a friendly game of goddamn Monopoly.

Lets not forget, a house gives you the ability to not only store excessive amounts of booze, but drink excessive amounts of booze which can lead to sex.  Which can then lead to orgies.  Which could also lead to a gnarly STD if you don't wrap that willy of yours you horny fucks.  That reminds me, make sure you and your buddies bring boat loads of condoms.  Any chick willing to fuck you after knowing you for 10 minutes, most likely has something on their vagina.  Or is just a huge slut. 

4) Duration of stay:  It's a bachelor party, so do you and your buddies want to drink, do drugs, bang strippers/sluts and commit random crimes for three days or four?  Four days is always pushing it only because after three days, someone is almost on the verge of dying from too much alcohol consumption.  I know that all too well.  But you're all adults, so if that happens to anyone, tell that guy to sack the fuck up, take a 5-hour energy and keep drinking.  Remind him bachelor parties aren't for pussies.  They are for men that love pussy.  Don't forget to add "men love booze" part too.  If he starts to cry about it, tell him you're gonna call his girlfriend or wife and tell 'em he had sex with a tranny at the strip club and you have pictures to prove it.  He should be pounding 40's of Old English within minutes.  

5) Time of year: Like I mentioned above, this bachelor party is in the summer and if that's not a calling from God, I don't know what is.  It's amazing when you go somewhere and you mention the words "bachelor party."  It's like your pimp status went from a 5 to a fucking 11 and your dick grew from 5 inches to 8.  A bachelor party in the summer?  No better way to go.  You can't beat summer and you can't beat summer with chicks in bathing suits.  So yeah, if anything, summer is the way to go!  Whoever bitches about it being too hot, kick the guy in his balls, call me, and I'll replace that sack of shit so we can have a good time.  Remember - any dude that bitches about a bachelor party should no longer be your friend.  EVER.  

Now with all this being said, I'm gonna give you SIX places you MUST consider going to for your buddies final days of freedom before he gets hitched.  These are in no particular order:


1) South Beach Miami: Topless - Check.  Hot Women - Check.  Excessive Drinking - Double Check. Sluts - Cha-ching. Sex, sex and more sex - Yes please.  I mean, Check.  Ocean Drive.  Go there.  Walk around there.  Rows and rows of bars lined up.  From Fat Tuesday's to Wet Willies, you have booze and hot chick access at the palm of your hands.  Did I mention topless fake titty women?

2) Lake Havasu - Every person I know that has been here, don't really say much.  They just smile really big.  I just translate that to: "Havasu was awesome.  I drank a shit ton.  Blacked out everyday.  Probably had more threesomes than Peter North in a porn flick, and had my first thumb rammed in my ass while 69'ing some hot brunette.  Oh, and I might have gotten a genital wart but I'm sure it's nothing serious." 

3) New Orleans: Where can you drink in the street all hours of the day besides Vegas?  What place lets you bring your own booze into a bar and ask if you want a refill?  What place lets women walk around drunk, half naked, flashing their tits every 5 minutes and horny as hell?  New Orleans my friend.  The Big fucking Easy.  Should I go on?

4) Mexico: I don't care where in Mexico you go.  Shit, go to fucking Tijuana if you want.  Mexico is a foreign Las Vegas but EVERYTHING is legal.  Sex, drugs, Fourloko...every-fucking-thing is there for the taking.  Why do you think everyone goes there, parties their asses off and comes back a changed person?  Because it's fucking crazy there and something went down that made them see the light.  I'm talking about shit a fucking convict wouldn't even think about doing.  You do shit there that I can't even write about.  I mean shit you take to the grave with your soul.  A-MAY-ZING!

5) Austin, TX: Southern Belles, beer, live music, food and a damn fucking good time.  The place to be is 6th Street downtown.  Places with names such as "The Dirty Dog" and "Casino El Camio," are sure to get you fucked up my friend.  As far as you're concerned, your bachelor party group, are now professional bull riders looking for a female to play the game "8 seconds."  Don't use that exact pick-up line because I'm sure you'll get a beer poured on you, but go ahead and try it.  If it helps you get laid, you owe me a beer.  Actually, I know that line will get you laid, so definitely use that shit to help you get some tail.  

6) Jersey Shore: Yeah, I said it.  Douchebags.  Guidos.  Guidettes.  Jager shots.  Spikey hair.  Fake tans.  Dragon patterned t-shirts.  Fists pumping.  Jersey accents to die for.  What else is there to say?  Tell Pauly D I said what's up.

Here's your guide and I hope it helps you on your search to the bachelor party promise land.  Take what I say in all seriousness.  I can't tell you how many bachelor parties I've been to and it was ruined by that one detail that was left out.  Be a good best man and give your buddy a party he will never forget and never want to talk about.  Trust me, if he never wants to talk about it, it was a good fucking time.

Sincerely,

J-Wunder