Advice Column: 2-Minute Brotha

Dear J-Wunder,

Every time my girl and I have sex, I can't help but lose my load in minutes.  I don't mind being a two minute brother, but she gets pissed because she can't even have an orgasm.  I would go down on her so she got off too but I can't stomach the fact that if I do that, I would be tasting my own man juice.  Any advice on lasting long enough so I can make her happy without possibly having her request I go down south and end up tasting my kids and losing her as my girl?

Sincerely,
Quick on the Draw




Dear Quick on the Draw,

First of all man, that's a fucked up question.  Secondly, you're fucking gross.  I read your email and wanted to puke on myself.  I'm actually questioning why I'm posting this advice column as we speak.  PS - Thanks for giving me a limp dick for the rest of the day. Sick bastard.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's going on here.  Basically, you can't hold a load to save your life.  You haven't denied it, which is cool, but the fact of the matter is, a Dos Equis commercial has a better chance of getting your lady off than you do.  I'm not sure what causes dudes to bust a nut within a matter of a five minutes or less.  I don't know if it's the woman that is a total turn on or even the thought of a penis touching a wet vagina that gets the cock going....I have no clue.  What I do know is this...

If you don't get your shit together and make that dong of yours last until she curls her toes, you're fucked. In more ways than one my friend.

Chicks dig it when a guy blows his load.  Whether ON her or IN her, it feels like a sense of accomplishment to them.  It makes them feel as if they know how to work that cock like a forklift.  Understand though, that women expect men to have that same way of thinking.  To make a chick orgasm like you know how to drive with your fucking eyes closed.  Is it a fair trade?  The jury is still out.  But in the case of you wanting to keep your fuck streak alive?  You bet your sweet ass it's a fair trade.

People, boning is an art.  Nothing is worse than to fuck somebody and they underperform.  In this case, this is YOU.  I don't care how big a game people talk.  Saying and doing are two different things.  Once it's show time, your ass better be ready to bone like the shit is going out of style...and LAST.  The danger you seek could be pretty severe.  It sounds like once you're ready to rock, you cum within three dick pumps.  This is pretty fucking sad.  Three dick pumps?  C'mon man.  What the fuck is that?  Think about it...

There you are, after sex, lying in bed with a crusty ass cock and a big ass smile, while your girl is lying next to you.  Miserable.  Orgasm-less and dick juice seeping out of her vagina because you weren't able to pull your wang out on time and jizz on her back like she asked.  This seems to be a recurrence every time she does work and you leave her without a tip.  News flash amigo - keep this up and she'll be fucking your best friend.  Your best friend that you know loves to bang broads.  Your best friend that you guys nicknamed "the anaconda."  Your best friend that has boned more chicks then you and 5 other friends combined.  Yeah, that friend is now a serious candidate for lifetime mustache rides from your girl.  Lucky for you, I'm J-Wunder and I have a few solutions that could point your dick in the right direction.  Follow this list and you should be good to go.

1) - Get drunk but not too drunk.  Sounds weird right?  A little booze seems to give a dudes dong a little more punch.  Zip.  Stamina.  I don't know the scientific reason why but, for some reason, when you get a little wasted, so does the rest of your body, including your meat stick.  This is awesome because not only will you bone longer, but your girl will probably cum herself into a goddamn seizure because it feels so good.  A fair warning though...your ass gets too drunk, be prepared for a bad case of whiskey dick my friend.  Depending on your booze tolerance, 3-4 drinks should do the trick.

2) - Think of dead cats or your gym teacher.  I know, I'm a fucking weird mother fucker.  But remember sex is all about the moment and the intensity.  The NOW.  Why do you think some dudes cum so fucking fast?  Because when chicks start moaning and saying crazy shit like, "fuck me harder...spank me...choke me...punch me in the fucking face," dudes lose control and nut before the party was even getting started. That's why you need to think of something that keeps your dick hard but doesn't let you lose control when girls start to go on a verbal sexual tirade.  And what two better things to think about then dead cats and your gym teacher.  See, I don't even need to get into details, just think about those two things and your mind will go to a place that it doesn't want to go to.  You're welcome.

3) - Cock rings or sex pills.  I've never used a cock ring.  I almost did but was really weirded out for some reason.  I'm not a fan of jewelry I guess.  However, I heard this shit works wonders.  Not only for your sausage, but for the chick too.  I'll have to ask one of my buddies to write a column on this shit.  I'm sure they could go into much finer detail then me saying, "Cock rings are cool.  They look weird but make your dick pound that pussy for days."  Now sex pills are a different story.

My buddy that used to work for a porn store in San Diego about 5-6 years ago would always give me shit.  Everything from porno's to toys...you name it, the dude had everything a man or woman could ever dream of.  But the one thing I can say he gave me that worked wonders were these sex pills.  They weren't Viagra but some smaller dose of it I guess.  Anyway, taking one of those fucking things made your cock feel superhuman.  I mean, your cock would be so hard, you could break 2x4's with it.  I'm almost convinced that those pills worked so well that you could use your dick as a hammer on anything. It was truly fucking amazing.  So if I had a go-to, this would be my bread-and-butter.  Like my buddy use to say, "Fuck that vagina dry..."

So there you have it.  Don't be that guy that loses his girl to his big dick best friend because he can't last long enough to get his girl convulsing in the sack.  I get you like to blow your load.  All men do.  Don't resort to getting yours and opting to Plan B for your girl.  Just the thought of eating vagina and tasting your own man juice makes me want to punch someone right now.  You must have been presented with that option many times, huh?  Take a stab at these three solutions.  Hell, maybe doing all three at once will make you fuck your girl so good you could paralyze her ass.  That would be some shit wouldn't it?  Actually, if you can do that, I will never fuck again.  Seriously.

Good luck man!  May God guide you and your cock to true happiness and fucking.

Sincerely,

J-Wunder